With time out, we abandon our child at the moment when he needs us the most

My child, embarrassed, upset, having received a strong blow to their self-esteem, perhaps even scared if I raised my voice, withdraws to be alone, just when difficult emotions are raging within them. At that moment, they need me more than ever to manage their emotions. 

Instead of thinking about what they did and that they shouldn’t do it again, they think about how unfair it was that I isolated them, and the various ways they will retaliate next time. 

My intention to teach and correct them backfired. All I can expect now is the next opportunity my child finds to retaliate against me. And children are exceptionally inventive at finding ways to get back at us… 

That’s why, instead of time-out, I resort to time-in. What does that mean? It means that when my child struggles because I don’t accept something they’ve done, I’m there with them. I don’t abandon them in their most difficult hour. We discuss together why they did it and why it’s not acceptable. I try to put myself in their shoes and understand why they did what they did (there’s always a reason). I sympathize with them and help them calm down in my arms. I guide them towards what is acceptable to do instead of what they did. And of course, I set clear boundaries on what they shouldn’t do again, with empathy. 

‘I understand that you’re angry… you were right to be angry about what happened. And we don’t hit, it hurts. You can say what you want with words, without attacking.’ 

‘Next time, what would you say when you’re angry instead of stomping your feet on the floor? Or hitting some pillows with force?’ 

Now, they don’t need to get back at me. They don’t feel unjustly treated. They don’t feel alone. They don’t feel like a ‘bad kid.’ 

They feel like they have someone next to them when they experience difficulty, someone who understands their behavior and suggests they do something different next time when they’re ready.