8 April 2024
With time-out, we abandon our child at the moment when he needs us the most
Reading time: 1,5′
My child does something unacceptable, and I send him to the corner to think about what he’s done. Or to the thinking chair, or whatever else we call time-out.
My child, embarrassed, upset, having received a strong blow to his self-esteem, perhaps even scared if I raised my voice, withdraws to be alone, just when difficult emotions are raging within him. At that moment, he needs me more than ever to help him manage his emotions.
Instead of thinking about what he did and that he shouldn’t do it again, he thinks about how unfair it was that I isolated him, and the various ways he will retaliate next time.
My intention to teach and correct him backfired. All I can expect now is the next opportunity that he will find to retaliate against me. And children are exceptionally inventive at finding ways to get back at us…
Replace time-outs with time-ins
Instead of a time-out, I resort to a time-in. What does that mean? It means that when my child struggles because I don’t accept something she’s done, I’m there with her. I don’t abandon her in her most difficult hour. I try to put myself in her shoes to understand why she did what she did (there’s always a reason). She is a child after all. I empathize and I help her calm down in my arms. I guide her towards what is acceptable to do instead of what she did. And of course, I set clear boundaries on what she shouldn’t do again, always with empathy and understanding.
‘I understand that you got angry… you were right to be angry about what happened. And we don’t hit sweetheart, hitting hurts. You can say what you want with words, without attacking.’
‘Next time, what would you say when you get angry? Would it help to wrap your arms around your body or to stomp your feet on the floor to avoid hitting?’
Now, she doesn’t need to get back at me. She doesn’t feel unjustly treated. She doesn’t feel alone. She doesn’t feel like a ‘bad kid.’
She feels like she has someone next to her when she has big feelings, someone who understands her behavior and suggests she can do it differently next time when she’s ready. Doesn’t this sound more encouraging? Research shows that apart from encouraging, this is much more likely to make her behave better next time.
Good luck!