With a little practice, we can stop shouting at our child

There is one answer. By continuously practicing. 

It is very common for our child to do something we do not accept, or to avoid doing something they should do. In these moments, we often get angry and struggle to control our reactions. We get doubly annoyed when thinking the child is deliberately doing something they shouldn’t, or at least, when we interpret it to be so. 

So something simple could escalate beyond any limit. A small problem can become huge simply because we insisted on it or demanded that the child do something right at that moment, and they did not. Yet, we fail to acknowledge our own contribution to the situation being made worse. 

What would have happened if, instead of shouting, we had done the following? 

• We had consciously tried to control our nerves by taking a deep breath, taking a pause, or even going to another room to calm down. 

• We had tried to see things from our child’s perspective. 

• We had kept our cool and approached our child with a cooperative attitude and empathy. 

‘My love, come here. I know you want to eat candy, it’s very nice, isn’t it? [with a smile]. But we will have dinner in a little while, you can have it later if you want.’ 

‘What happened here? Do you both want the same toy? Oh, how nice would it be if we could have two of these!’ And taking the toy: ‘Let’s see what else you can find that is interesting. I’ll keep this one for a while and give it to you later.’ 

‘I know, my dear, that you wanted to play with the tablet more. But the time has passed, it does so quickly when we have fun, huh? Let’s go see what else you have in your room that I didn’t notice yesterday.’ 

Most parents, when asked ‘what would have happened if you had approached your child as above,’ answer that the situation probably wouldn’t have escalated out of control. 

In fact, if we manage to keep our cool, we help our child calm down too. Our attitude serves as an example for our child. Their nervous system harmonizes with ours. If we lose control and start shouting, the child gets upset too. And of course, they don’t learn how to handle difficult situations, how to keep their cool when they’re angry, and how to find solutions. Instead, when we shout, the child learns that conflicts are resolved by raising our voice. 

Of course, it’s easier said than done. Because in the heat of the moment, we adults also lose emotional control, not just the child. 

But we are the adults. We cannot expect the child to calm down and manage their frustration by themselves. They don’t yet have the ability to do that. They primarily operate on emotion, and less so on reason. Our attempt to rationalize it won’t yield any results. And it won’t solve the problem. 

The child needs our understanding, our guidance, and a sense of security that stems from us being close to them, listening to them, feeling their frustration. When they feel understood by us, they are willing to do what we ask them to. 

Fortunately, with every conscious effort we make to control our reactions when we get angry, we become better at it. Over time, we may notice that the tension decreases, and our children comply much more easily and painlessly with the demands of the situation. Our relationship remains tender and does not deteriorate with every disagreement and conflict. 

The better our relationship with our child, the more willing they are to follow our guidance. 

It is no coincidence that it is so difficult for us to remain calm in the face of our child’s challenges. It is likely that when we were children ourselves, we concluded that bad behavior has consequences, or that adults frequently shouted at us, or that we did not feel understood or accepted during our own times of difficulty. The difficult emotions from such experiences are recorded in our subconscious and trigger us when a situation brings them up from our memory. 

But we can now break the cycle and avoid transferring our tendencies to our children, so that, in their turn, they behave more calmly towards their own children. 

The secret is practice. Every time a situation triggers us, the key is to feel our anger, recognize it, but not act on our anger. With each time we do this, we become better at it. Moreover, the situation is usually much more manageable than we interpret it to be at that moment. Rarely is there a real big problem when we end up losing control. 

Every time we manage to control our reaction, we train our brain to self-regulate and become better at maintaining control.