Why doesn’t he listen to me?

But let’s start with an unavoidable truth. Children don’t listen, because they don’t want to listen. They want to play, have fun, discover the world. And we tell them that we have to leave the playground, for example, they have to go to sleep, they have to be careful, they have to do this, they have to do that, they have to do the other. Here the wishes of children and parents collide. So what’s the secret to getting them to listen when they don’t want to?

What helps children listen to us is to recognize their difficulty, every time. To understand and recognize the sacrifice they have to make to do what we tell them to do. To “understand” them in other words.

That is why effective demarcation begins with empathy.

My love, I understand that you don’t want us to leave the playground, I can see it… I can’t see it, do you think how much fun you’re having? The playground is fun.. I know…

My love, I know you want to eat the dessert here and now (!), but we still haven’t eaten our food. Do you have more of an appetite for sweets than for food? Sweets are nice.. you’re right.. I like them too..

These words and many others like them depending on the situation, help the children process their disappointment inside. By understanding them, we also give them the opportunity to express it. When they express it, they also manage to overcome it.

‘And now we have to leave the playground.’

‘And now, it’s time to eat.’

Here we have deliberately avoided ‘but’, because ‘and’ sounds better in the child’s voice, it does not have a negative connotation. “But” is as if it negates the previous things we have said, as if they were lies.

So whenever we can, replace ‘but’ with a simple ‘and.’

When we set the limit, yes, the child may cry, get angry, react strongly and have a tantrum. Instead of fearing his reaction, we can always stay close to him, and with calmness and understanding, help him calm down too.

Finally, we tell the child what he can do, if it is applicable.

‘We can if you want to come again tomorrow.’

‘After the meal, you can eat your dessert.’

If, by listening and speaking with empathy, the child has felt that we understand him, and yet he does not do what we tell him, we can proceed with actions. If he doesn’t come with us to leave the playground, we hug him and leave together. If he goes to eat his dessert even though it’s not time to eat it, we just take it from his little hands.

Always calmly, without sudden movements, without shouting, without insulting it, etc. Keeping our composure also helps the child to calm down.

In this way, we teach the child that what we say, we mean. We are stable. And usually, the message gets through immediately, such actions do not need to be repeated often.

Most of the time, however, we won’t even need to take action. And this is because:

When we treat the child with respect, he respects us. When we consider his needs and wants, he also considers ours. So how can we ensure a good relationship with our child?

When in every intercourse with him,

• We don’t yell at him
• We don’t put labels (you’re lazy, you’re careless, etc.)
• We don’t take offense to it
• We don’t order it
• We do not threaten him that if he does not do what we tell him, he will have sanctions
• We don’t punish it
• We don’t preach, we don’t offer endless rational explanations
• We don’t bribe it

To sum up, when we don’t do everything we can to make the child listen to us!

A relationship of mutual respect is the foundation on which the child will learn what is the right behavior in any situation, will be able to explore the world safely, and will be able to tap into their infinite potential.

In time, the child will not do the right thing because we told him to, but because he wants to do the right thing.