12 December 2023
When the baby finds it difficult to separate from mom or dad…
Reading time: 4′
All children around the age of 6 to 9 months experience the peak of separation anxiety. Of course, this stress has preceded and continues along the way.
It is the baby’s first experience with the importance of stress, so the way we deal with it is of major importance.
Essentially, it manifests itself in the attachment of the baby to his relatives, usually mom or dad, and he has difficulty in a foreign environment or in socializing with other people, whether adults or children.
A first difficulty is the adaptation of the child to a school environment. This will happen, at any possible age of starting school, simply, as previously mentioned, it would be good to avoid the period of 6-9 months to do this. If there is a need, it is good for the baby to start school before 6 months or after 9.Also, since the parents are working and the mother has to return to work, a lot of time should be spent adjusting the baby to his/her caregiver. We will have to get used to this new condition and ensure the development of a secure bond, even if our baby will be cared for by the grandparent.
METHOD OF DEALING
First of all, in everything our little one needs, at whatever age he is, the most important step and the first is our self-regulation. We must remain calm, with the help of self-regulation techniques, to be able to face the moment of crisis and convey to our child the calmness we need.
Second, it is very helpful to stay connected with the child so that they are open to listening to us. This is achieved through the following ways of bonding, with exclusive time with our child, with intense play of roughhousing and of course with laughter.The antidote to anger is laughter and routines. Laughter because it biologically secretes hormones that reduce stress and anxiety, and routines help the child limitlessly to reduce their anxiety. We need to inform the child about what we are going to do and what is going to happen.If, in case, the program is overturned, because it is very likely we always respond to the child with empathy. “I understand my dear that you wanted to go swimming in the sea and it started raining. It would be so nice to be on the beach now and play. But we can paint a sea and a big ship.”
Also, there are many games that we can play with the child, easily and quickly, that precisely target separation anxiety, such as,
Magnet hands: Pretend your hands are a magnet and you can’t get them off of you. They will pull away and you will playfully push them back.
The bye-bye game: This is another form of hide-and-seek that “plays” with separation anxiety to make children laugh. You say: “Let’s play the bye-bye game. If you need me, call Ambracatabra, or any other magic word you choose.Then hide on the sofa for a very short time and shout “Ambra Katambra.” Come out of hiding, run to the child and hug him and say: “I missed you so much! I had to use our magic word to see you again. But okay, let’s try again. I’ll be braver this time.Then go and hide again. Once again, get out first before he looks for you, which will make him burst out laughing, especially if you play it childishly anxious. Continue to play this way to work through his separation anxiety together.
I need you!!!: Cling to the child and say childishly: “I know you want me to let you go play but I want you… All I want is to be with you. Please, can I be with you all the time? Keep holding his shirt or his hand.Keep your voice low and playful so he feels free to escape and you can pull him back and beg him to stay with you. He must have the feeling that it wants to leave and not that it is the one being expelled. The more childlike you are, the less tension around goodbyes will be.When he finally escapes and leaves you will say: “It’s okay.” I know you will come again. We always turn to each other.”
The third step, after self-regulation and connection is guiding the child. During the adjustment of the school, if the school allows us to be on the school premises some days, we tell them that we will be there but we do not lie to them. Eg, I’ll be in the bathroom because if he goes and doesn’t see us, he’ll lose his trust.It is very important that we inform it that we will come and get it. “Mommy always comes to get you.”
We also let the child know what time we will pick him up from school. Since he probably doesn’t know the time, we say I’ll come pick you up right after dinner.
For children who have mastered speech, when we want to know what is happening at school, we never look the child in the face but ask him, for example, in the car or when we are doing chores, or at night while sleeping.
If something has happened at school, we discuss it: e.g. ‘Must be hard to be hungry and it’s not meal time huh?’
We never forget empathy in our communication with the child, even if he is a baby and doesn’t speak yet, and above all we have patience. It is a developmental phase that will pass and the more effectively we deal with it, the faster it will be eliminated and in the best possible way for the child. The only thing that is certain is that it will not always be like this.