12 December 2023
When a child refuses to give up an object he is holding
Reading time: 4′
How many times have you wanted to take something from your child and he won’t give it to you? 5? 10? 100? Although it is difficult to know exactly how many there are, there are probably quite a few.
Children hardly part with something they’ve managed to get their hands on, and they won’t do it with a simple, polite question, as you might expect an adult to do.
But when that thing they’re holding is a toy they took from another kid on the playground and of course they have to give it back, your own ‘calvary’ begins. In front of the other kid, their mom and/or dad, and the rest of the curious world, you have to take the toy out of your kid’s hands.
Of course, you don’t want to suddenly start crying non-stop, but you also don’t want to beg him to give it to you endlessly. Hopefully, there is a way that you can without a lot of explaining, without yelling and without a lot of drama, get your child to give you what he’s holding.
Who is he? By asking him a simple question: 'Will you give it to me, or should I take it?'(in a firm and calm tone)
You may need to ask the question up to three or four times to give the child some time to think about it and maybe give it on their own. But if after the third or fourth time he doesn’t do it, then you just take it out of his hands without a second thought. If he reacts by complaining and crying, his reaction is completely normal.He wanted to keep something and you took it from him. But the child knows very well that he had to return the toy, because if another child had taken his own toy, he would want it back. You don’t need to spend time explaining why he should return it, which is what many parents do when we try to convince the child of something he already knows.
Why is this method effective?
- Because with one simple question, we achieve the result we want
- But also because we tell our child what should be done, setting limits, but at the same time giving him a choice. Either he gives it to us or we take it. When we give our children choices, we respect their right to decide how to handle a situation, sending them the message that they too have some power and freedom in their choices.Thus, we show them respect and build their self-esteem, little by little. The child who, after being asked, will give the toy of his own free will, will feel good because he followed the correct social behavior and the needs that the situation required.The child from whom we took the toy even though he didn’t give it to us on his own will not feel the same, but he will know that we gave him a choice to behave according to the needs of the situation and he will perceive that we treated him with respect without infringing on his rights.So he will not attribute his frustration to the ‘bad’ parent, but to the difficult situation he had to deal with. So next time, he’s more likely to give it to us on purpose.
- Because we can always address our children in a friendly tone, without scolding, yelling and the like that would “inflame” the situation for parent and child.
- Because if we have asked the child and he has given us the toy or we have taken it from his little hands, he will react by expressing his disappointment, but his reaction will have a short duration. Soon, the child will understand that what needed to be done has been done, and will move on.
- Because the endless explanations we give in order to convince the child to return the toy are unnecessary. Most parents don’t suspect that children who adamantly refuse to return something they know they should return are not doing it to keep the item, but to keep their parents busy.Young children are crazy about keeping their parents busy, and when they find ways to do it, they repeat the behavior at every opportunity. It is a way for them to feel that they have power over adults. And what more does a child with limited knowledge, abilities and freedom want? Power!
- Because in practice, the child knows that if you decide, you have the ability and the physical strength to take it from him whether he wants it or not.
- Because – again – yelling, punishment, threats and other unpleasant situations for the child and the parent are 100% avoidable.
If you use this method once, twice, ten times, you will see that your child will begin to return objects much more easily than before and his reaction will become more and more gentle. Thus, you will have succeeded in training your child in the rules of correct social behavior while always respecting the child himself and his rights.
We hope it goes without saying that we only use this method when it is absolutely necessary for the child to give us something, such as another child’s toy, a dangerous object or the tablet that refuses to close after the prescribed time e.g. In any other case we can let the child keep what he wants so much.
A note about ages
Once a child understands what you say, they can understand it too.
It is therefore safe to use this method on children from 6 months. Although we may think that babies do not understand, they can easily perceive the good intentions behind a smile and the necessity of an action.
A child up to 1.5 – 2 years old has difficulty understanding the reasons why he should return something, he has not yet acquired the perception required for this.
From the age of 3 and above, children have acquired a greater social perception and may return something on their own, without us imposing it on them.