16 January 2024
What to tell your child to protect them from bullying
Reading time: 4′
If you’ve ever been a victim of bullying, then you know all too well how much it can hurt. Research shows that bullying, which usually manifests through repeated verbal or physical attacks, or other forms of aggression, can have long-term consequences on a child’s mental health.
So what can you do to protect your child from possible attacks?
Inform your child about the nature of bullying
The bully usually starts with a verbal attack. If they see that the victim is upset, that reinforces the bully’s tendency to continue. If the bully becomes empowered and feels superior, the aggression usually escalates. It is good for your child to know this before experiencing such an attack, so that they are prepared.
If the child is attacked, teach them what to say and do
“Stop! I don’t like this!” And go find an adult right away.
Provide the child the words and actions they will need to deal with an attack
For example:
- It’s my turn now.
- Hey, stop that.
- Get your hands off me.
- We don’t hurt others!
- I don’t like you calling me that, call me by my name please.
- Stop! I don’t like this!
Practice at home through play
Roleplay with your child by having one doll verbally or physically attack another and ask your child something like “Now what can the attacked doll say?” Let the child think and answer. Then tell them how you would respond.
Maintain a good relationship with your child so that they talk to you
When children are bullied, they often avoid telling their parents or carers due to fear that the latter will think less of them. If your relationship with your child is characterized by safety, respect and mutual understanding, a relationship where the child feels comfortable sharing most things with you, without fear of being judged or punished, then you are more likely to be informed of any bullying incidents they experience.
If your child describes an attack, reassure them that it is not their fault
Children tend to conclude that what another child says, is true by default: “If he tells me I’m fat, then I am.” “Since he tells me I’m dumb, then I am.” We do not want the child to conclude that they are responsible for being attacked. Even if a child that is being called fat is chubby than others, this kind of attack is still not justified. Such attacks are not allowed!
Say: ‘He shouldn’t have said that, these words are hurtful.’ ‘It’s not your fault he said that to you.’
Talk to the school or organization where your child was attacked
Educational organizations of all kinds have the obligation as well as the necessary knowledge to ensure a safe environment for children. It is enough that they are informed of any such incidents.
It is the responsibility of each organization to support the bully, communicating with their family and investigating the reasons that lead the child to bullying. Often, children who attack others have themselves been bullied (by their parents in the form of authoritarian behavior/punishment/yelling and insults, or by other children, etc.). If a child has felt humiliated, threatened, or hurt, these feelings often overwhelm them, and so they lash out, wanting to humiliate, threaten or hurt someone else. Unfortunately, then, children who are hurt often hurt other children.
In fact, seeing that this behavior makes them feel empowered (since otherwise they feel completely powerless), they have no reason to stop.
Ensure an atmosphere of respect within your family and around your child
If the child learns from an early age what it is like to treat others with respect, then they will automatically demand it for themselves. Thus, it will be easy for them to recognize when they are being attacked, even if it is subtle or well camouflaged.
Make sure that in your own interactions with your partner, your family and those around you, known or unknown, respect and courtesy prevail.
Children tend to mimic our behavior, and when they see us being kind to others, they seek that in their own relationships.
Teach your child what to do if they happen to be a bystander of a bullying incident
When bystanders intervene, bullying stops half of the time within 10 seconds, according to bullying expert Michele Borba.
Tell your child to stand with the victim and remove them from where the incident takes place by saying: ‘you look upset,’ or ‘I was looking for you,’ or ‘the teacher told me to find you.’
Then empathy, such as, ‘it must have been very difficult for you to call you that,’ reduces the victim’s pain from the incident.
The bully loves to have an audience. Tell your child to address the other bystanders and either distract them by saying, for example, ‘what are you doing here?’ or ‘’the teacher is coming” allowing the victim to escape or to ask for help for an incident taking place in front of everyone’s eyes. You can also suggest to your child that they say to other bystanders that the victim ‘ doesn’t seem to like this’ or ‘can’t you see she’s upset?’, and tell them to leave, by saying for example ‘come on, let’s go’ or, ‘let’s get out of here.’ If your child can’t get the others to go away, suggest that they themselves leave so that do not become complicit for the incident and thereby show that they don’t accept or support what’s happening.
Finally, suggest that they confront the bully. With a cold stare or by saying ‘That’s bullying!’ ‘You’re being mean’ or ‘That’s not ok, stop doing it.’