27 May 2024
What to Do When Your Child Hits Another Child [Without Shaming Them]
Reading time: 3′
Let’s first explore the reasons why a child might hit:
- Because they are angry.
- Out of curiosity to see what will happen.
- To get our attention.
- Because it is dictated by their developmental stage.
- At this age, children are egocentric and cannot ‘see’ things from another’s perspective (they haven’t developed empathy).
- They cannot express themselves with words, so they hit.
- Hitting is a phase they go through (they don’t know what else to do and need our help).
Since you might feel an urgent need to intervene and some embarrassment when your child hits another, here’s how you can help your child learn that hitting is not acceptable.
First and foremost, stay calm
If you manage to stay calm, you help your child to calm down as well.
Attend to the child who was hit first
“Are you okay? I know that hurt and it might have made you sad.”
This helps the child who was hit feel understood and sets a good example of kindness for your child.
Remove your child from the scene
Pick up or take your child by the hand and say, “Let’s move over here so I can tell you something” – “Hitting hurts. We always use gentle hands.”
Acknowledge their feelings
“It seems like you were angry with the other child. Is that right?” Let them talk to you. Simply acknowledging your child’s intense and unpleasant feelings is a very effective way to neutralize them.
Show your child what to do instead of hitting
Teach them what else they can do to handle the situation in an age-appropriate way: “When something happens that you don’t like, you can tell the other child: ‘I don’t like that!’ or come and ask me for help, ok?”
Help your child develop empathy
Young children may not be able to understand how the other person feels. To help them gradually learn, we can:
- Talk often about our own feelings (“I’m so happy to see you!”).
- Acknowledge their feelings (“I see you’re a bit disappointed today…”).
- Comment on how someone else might have felt (“Ben was happy when you gave him your toy! See?”).
When there are deeper needs
A child who continues to hit, despite your efforts to teach them not to, may have deeper needs.
She might have a full emotional backpack
Every emotion that we were not able to process at the time that we felt it, goes into the emotional backpack. When these stuffed-down feelings accumulate, inevitably, they bubble up to get healed, guiding a child to misbehavior.
If this is the case, make it a priority to connect with your child daily, giving them your full and undivided attention. Play and delight in them. Show them how much you care. Children who feel more connected to you are less likely to engage in negative behaviors like hitting. A child always behaves better when she feels good inside.
If despite your efforts your child continues to hit, it’s time for action
Just pick up your child gently and say: “I’m sorry you don’t feel like playing today. We can’t stay in the playground if we hit sweetheart. Let’s go home now and you can try again tomorrow.” Leave the playground. Keep your attitude supportive by staying empathetic and showing understanding for your child’s distress.
This way, apart from giving your child the message that you are serious about your limit, you are also giving him the message that you are a sturdy parent who he can rely on. This is how limits help children feel safe.