27 May 2024
What to Do When Your Child Hits Another Child [Without Shaming Them]
Reading time: 3′
Let’s first explore the reasons why a child might hit:
- Because they are angry.
- Out of curiosity to see what will happen.
- To get our attention.
- Because it is dictated by their developmental stage.
- At this age, children are egocentric and cannot ‘see’ things from another’s perspective (they haven’t developed empathy).
- They cannot express themselves with words, so they hit.
- Hitting is a phase they go through (they don’t know what else to do and need our help).
Since you might feel an urgent need to intervene and some embarrassment when your child hits another, here’s how you can help your child learn that hitting is not acceptable.
First and foremost, stay calm
If you manage to stay calm, you help your child to calm down as well. But that’s not all.
If you react with intensity when your child hits, they learn that hitting is a very effective way to make something happen – to make you react. What does this naturally mean? More hitting. So, as difficult as this moment might be, stay calm.
Attend to the child who was hit first
“Are you okay? I know that hurt and it might have made you sad.”
This helps the child who was hit feel understood and sets a good example of kindness for your child.
Remove your child from the scene
Pick up or take your child by the hand and say, “Let’s move over here so I can tell you something” – “Hitting hurts. We always use gentle hands.”
Acknowledge their feelings
“It seems like you were angry with the other child. Is that right?” Let them talk to you. Simply acknowledging your child’s intense and unpleasant feelings is a very effective way to neutralize them.
Show your child what to do instead of hitting
Teach them what else they can do to handle the situation in an age-appropriate way: “When something happens that you don’t like, you can tell the other child: ‘I don’t like that!’ or come and ask me for help.”
When there are deeper needs
A child who continues to hit despite your efforts to teach them not to may have deeper needs.
They might be hitting to get your attention
Unwarranted attention-seeking is a misguided goal of children who feel that they only matter if they have your attention. And if your child has realized that hitting immediately gets your attention, they might be hitting for exactly that reason.
If this is the case, instead of punishing your child, try to connect with them as much as possible, giving them your full and undivided attention on a daily basis (when you can). Children who feel more connected to you are less likely to engage in negative behaviors like hitting. The amount of time you spend is less important than the quality.
They might not have developed empathy yet
Young children (up to 7 years old) may not be able to understand how the other person feels. To help them gradually learn, we can:
- Talk often about our own feelings (“I’m so happy to see you!”).
- Acknowledge their feelings (“I see you’re a bit disappointed today…”).
- Comment on how someone else might have felt (“Lito was happy when you gave her your toy! See?”).
If despite your efforts your child continues to hit, it’s time for action
If your child still doesn’t seem to understand that they shouldn’t hit, you can use a logical consequence. So, if they keep hitting, you can leave the place you are: “I’m sorry you don’t feel like playing today. You can try again tomorrow.” Any further comment is unnecessary.
This way, the child will understand that when they hit, the fun stops.
For more on logical consequences, read: What Works 100 Times Better Than Punishment