12 December 2023
What should I do when my child is frustrated that he/she does not succeed?
Reading time: 2′
We are all tested by setbacks in our lives, but some people have greater strength to overcome them. This is called resilience.
How resilient we are depends in part on our genes. But we can also learn to be more resilient by directing our thinking and training our brain to act accordingly.
Phrases like, ‘I can do it,’ ‘I did it last time,’ ‘no matter what, I will find a solution,’ ‘when things are difficult, I know where to turn’ are characteristic of a person with resilience.
But how can we help our child acquire it?
When they feel that they have someone by their side no matter what happens
First, if a child feels that he or she always has someone close to him who will protect him/her no matter what happens, then he/she feels ready to try something he/she has never tried before, to take risks, to explore.
Of course, when they encounter a problem, we should not rush to solve it ourselves. Instead, we should resist our urge to step in, and should stand by them while they try to make it on their own, showing them that we understand how hard it is. All the while, we can suggest solutions to the problem, for example ‘I wonder what would happen if you did this.’ Give the child ideas and let them try, without manipulating them.
When they can control their emotions
In difficulties and setbacks, the child is tested with strong feelings of disappointment and frustration, and may lose courage. The better control the child has over their emotions, the more they will be able to withstand disappointment when they lose, irritation when they don’t achieve something, and the more they will keep trying when an action is too demanding.
How can we help our child to control their emotions?
First, by exemplifying it ourselves. We can also talk often about feelings and how we handle them, and of course, accept all of our child’s feelings, even when we have to set a boundary. Staying close and helping our child with difficult feelings is the best way to help them develop emotional regulation.
When Setting Limits
Limit setting according to positive parenting is done by staying firm on our limit, but at the same time, by helping our child with their dissatisfaction. A child who has experienced disappointment and each time was generously offered our help to overcome it, feels much more ready to overcome any disappointment.
Words of Encouragement
Some words of encouragement, might come in handy.
- What you are trying to do is not easy at all.
- Nobody knew everything from the beginning.
- Everyone would be struggling if they were you.
- Practice helps us succeed.
- You’ll make it, you’ll see.
The power of the word YET
We can also use the word YET like this:
- You don’t know how to do this YET.
- You’re not as good as you’d like to be YET.
- You haven’t made it YET, but you will if you try hard enough.
Frustration tolerance is a major skill that is needed throughout human life. A child who has learnt to master it is likely to suffer much less when misfortunes occur and to find the courage to raise from the ashes and stay on track of their goals and aspirations quicker.