30 April 2024
What messages does our child get when we are permissive?
Reading time: 2,5′
I’m in the toy store, and my child screams to get a toy. And I buy it. Then, we go to the supermarket, and the child screams to get 5 chocolates. And I get them. Finally, we go to the playground, and the child throws a tantrum because they forgot their bucket at home, which is a 10-minute walk away, and I go and get it. Am I a permissive parent? Am I doing the right thing? What drives me to do this?
Many times, considering that giving in to all of your child’s demands is a way to meet their needs and make them feel loved. In essence, what drives many parents to this behavior is the difficulty of dealing with their child’s disappointment and displeasure. Two messages that the child may get are: ‘We have too much money’ or ‘Money grows on trees,’ and that ‘I don’t need to take care of anything of mine, everything gets replaced.’
However, the most important message the child receives is that ‘My feelings are dangerous. Otherwise, why do my parents do everything to prevent me from feeling them? Obviously, I can’t handle them. Mom, dad, do everything to make them go away.’ All of this leads to an anxious child who handles everyone in every way (crying, pouting, tantrums, anger outbursts, yelling, screaming, begging, manipulation, etc.), a child who grows up struggling to recognize and process their emotions.
Children have a great need for boundaries. Boundaries make children feel safe. They just need to be set properly to be effective and not damage the parent-child relationship.
When parents don't set boundaries:
- They reinforce their children’s desires and choices that may have unpleasant consequences, such as staying up late at night, therefore not getting enough rest, not developing properly physically due to suppression of the growth hormone, not achieving the expected academic performance due to fatigue.
- They teach the child that their needs are met even if it’s at the expense of someone else, e.g., your sibling who stayed home while you played with your friends for two hours after practice, the people at the restaurant, who you yelled at because you wanted a second dessert.
- They teach the child that sadness, disappointment, and frustration are unbearable emotions and should be avoided, especially when they perceive that their parents are doing everything to prevent them from feeling them. It leads to a lifelong attempt to avoid them, resulting in difficulties in taking risks (e.g., in a job interview, approaching a girl/boy, etc.), and often trying to win using unfair means.
- They don’t teach the child that happiness often comes through discomfort. So, happiness becomes an end in itself by fulfilling needs and desires that the child generates.
- The child receives the message that ‘my parents are unable to keep me safe,’ just because boundaries are not set. So the child becomes demanding and authoritarian, essentially seeking boundaries. That’s where most parents say, ‘They’re testing my limits.’
- The child will never learn to set boundaries for themselves, thus goals become difficult. Therefore, self-discipline becomes challenging as they grow older.
No child will accept boundaries with satisfaction and joy. However, they can turn out for the best, both in the short and long term, as long as empathy, love, and always considering the child’s perspective prevail.”
Read also:
How to set limits for our children that are… respected!
What works 100 times better than punishment