What works 100 times better than punishment?

If you were hoping for something more exciting than that, sorry! But if you were hoping to find a simple and effective solution, then you’ll find everything you need to know to get started below. 

This topic spurs a lot confusion, so let’s clarify before we delve into it deeper: 

Consequences are logically linked to a behavior. 

• Your child spills their milk on the table. It happens. But they need to clean up the milk. That’s the consequence. 

• Or maybe your child tries to get away from you in a parking lot one day. Now, they need to hold your hand or stay in the stroller when you’re near cars. That’s also a consequence. 

• Your little one throws all their crayons in the trash. Maybe the consequence is that your child – not you – needs to retrieve them from the trash. Or if that sounds too unreasonable, the consequence might simply be that your child no longer has crayons. 

Does the above make sense so far? Consequences are simply the logical, direct result of your child’s actions. The goal here isn’t to shame or punish your child. Instead, the goal is to help your child naturally learn which behaviors work – and which don’t – in the real world. 

Punishment, unfortunately, remains the default for most parents. 

When your child does something wrong, you put them in a room for a few minutes, right? Or one of their privileges is taken away. Or maybe you just raise your voice to scare them into compliance. That’s how most adults were raised (to varying degrees), so they think that’s exactly what they should do with their own kids. It’s the only way. 

But it’s not really. 

Why? 

• Punishment doesn’t teach children how to handle their problems – it simply teaches them what not to do. 

• Punishment uses fear and shame to control children. Over time, it damages the parent-child relationship, undermines the child’s trust, and creates resentment. 

• Punishment doesn’t teach children to behave better – it teaches them how to avoid getting caught. 

• Punishment isolates children when they need connection. This can lead to a host of psychological and social problems. 

• Finally, punishment amplifies children’s emotions. For example, an already disappointed child may become enraged. When children are in emotionally charged states, they’re not able to “learn a lesson” – they’re too upset! 

There are more issues with punishment that aren’t mentioned here, but we think you’ve got the basic idea. 

Punishment might work temporarily. But in the long run, it’s not an effective way to manage your child’s behavior. Punishing your child also damages your relationship with them and can be detrimental to their well-being. 

So, moving forward: What should you do instead? How do you effectively use consequences with your child? Let’s dive into the details! 

Let’s look at an example together to show you how to effectively use consequences. 

You’re sitting down for dinner after a relaxing day. You give your child a plate – pesto tortellini and broccoli, one of their favorite meals. You sit down, but at that moment, your child shouts, “No lini!” Before you can do anything, they pick up the plate and throw it on the floor. You see pesto and broccoli everywhere. 

First, stay calm. You’re likely feeling disappointed at this moment, but if you freak out, your child will freak out even more. And a panicked child isn’t capable of reacting rationally or learning a lesson from their actions. So, take a deep breath and try to control your emotions before responding to your child’s actions. 

Then, verbally correct the child’s behavior. Honestly tell them why what they just did isn’t right – and what they can do differently next time. “No. Food stays on the table. If you’re not hungry, you can leave your plate on the table and sit with daddy.” 

Now, help your child solve the problem. Let your child learn what steps they can take to fix things. “We need to clean up the floor now. Let’s get our broom and sweep.” Don’t hesitate to help your child clean up if the task is too big for them to handle alone, but make sure your child bears the responsibility that’s appropriate for them! 

Remember to maintain your composure. Do your best to stay calm and positive throughout the process. Remember that this isn’t punishment and you’re not trying to make your child feel bad – you’re simply trying to help them solve problems. 

So, we’ve seen a scenario where you could use a logical consequence. 

(Behavior) Your child throws a plate of food on the floor → (Consequence) Your child needs to clean up the mess. 

But there’s actually another type of consequence you should be aware of: Natural consequences. 

What is a natural consequence? Here are some examples: 

• If you forget your coat at home on a rainy day, you’ll end up wet and cold. ← This is a natural consequence. 

• If your child leaves a toy on the floor and then steps on it and gets hurt, that’s a natural consequence too. 

• If you don’t water your plant, it will wither. ← Also a natural consequence! 

Basically, a natural consequence is something that happens on its own as a result of your actions (or inaction). As a parent, you don’t need to do anything to create a natural consequence for your child – it just happens. 

Natural consequences are often the best, most memorable teacher for kids. This means that most of the time, you should let your child experience the natural consequences of their actions, rather than rescuing and saving them every time. Natural consequences also relieve you to some extent from the pressure of being the “bad guy” when your child misbehaves. (It’s nice to take a break sometimes, right?) 

You should allow your child to experience the natural consequences of their actions, unless the consequence is dangerous or otherwise unacceptable to you. 

If your child runs into the street, for example, they could get hit by a car. Obviously, the natural consequence there (your child getting hit by a car) isn’t reasonable or acceptable, so in that case you’ll need to use preventative measures instead. 

Let’s say your child throws an expensive toy in the trash. The natural consequence here would be the toy ending up in the landfill. However, you – the toy buyer – might not agree with this consequence. Perhaps you would prefer to use a logical consequence, like making your child fish the toy out of the trash and clean it. 

You’re awesome for reading all this information up to this point! Here’s the short and sweet version of what you need to remember about consequences: 

• Punishment doesn’t work, but consequences are an effective and respectful way to manage your child’s behavior. 

• A good consequence should be logically related to your child’s behavior. 

• Don’t intervene and rescue your child constantly – let them experience the natural consequences of their actions to help them learn. 

• Focus on problem-solving, not trying to punish your child by making them feel bad or trying to control them. 

• Stay calm. How you react to challenging situations will help your child learn how to respond too – a priceless lesson indeed! 

What is your biggest challenge regarding your child’s discipline? Are you isolating them for every minor offense? Do you tend to let your child do whatever they want without consequences? 

Whatever it is, think about what you can do differently from now on. Then, write a list of the 3 steps you will take to start using consequences more effectively in your daily life. 

We hope you feel a little more prepared to dive into this big chapter of positive discipline. Just remember, significant changes take time. These strategies will work to your advantage with a little repetition and a lot of patience. But if you’re dedicated and strive to do your best every day, you’re already taking a huge step forward. 

With permission to republish from Meg, www.thetoddlerplaybook.com – ‘What works 100x better than punishment?’