23 January 2024
The transition from conventional to positive parenting
Reading time: 4′
If you are expecting your first child or your baby is only a few months old, great! You are still at the beginning, and your entire tender parenting life is ahead of you.
But if your child is older, i.e. in preschool/school age or even in adolescence, and until now you have been using conventional parenting methods, the transition to positive parenting can seem like a real challenge. And that’s because:
- The older a child is, the more formed their little brain and their views on life are. They have “learnt” a certain type of communication with you and they need time to be convinced of the change in your intentions. In other words, if you’ve been using punishment or shouting to respond to misbehavior and you suddenly decide to change your behavior, the child responds with suspicion at first, as if you are against them. However, the opposite is true. Now you are not only thinking about their own interest, as you did before, but you also have a way to materialize it, without unnecessary confrontation and against your relationship. And this is something that sooner or later the child themselves will understand.
- In the meantime, be prepared for a slight deterioration in the child’s behavior. You may be disappointed at first, but do not be disheartened. This is temporary. It is caused by the child not having processed feelings that probably remain buried deep inside them, and that until now they have been avoided because they may be painful. If you suddenly change your attitude and the child feels safe to express them, this can translate into a flood of intense reactions, such as, uncontrollable anger, complaining, crying, etc. This is completely normal, and even desirable. When they are able to process all these difficult feelings, some of which may be quite old, they will feel much better, and this will no doubt lead to improved behavior, less confrontation with you, and an unprecedented willingness to follow your guidance.
But what does this transition look like? How exactly is it done?
Let’s briefly look at the 3 pillars that make it up:
- We control our reactions
Now, instead of yelling for something to be done, when we get angry, we make sure to control our reactions towards the child so that we don’t do or say something that we will regret. (or if we yell, we say apologize to the child, at the first opportunity, because we are human and this happens. But no one deserves to be yelled at). Thus, maintaining our composure during difficult moments apart from helping the child calm down and ensuring that the situation does not get out of control, it also exemplifies self-control. Instead, choosing to yell teaches the child that conflicts are resolved this way.
- We accept all of the child’s feelings
Now, instead of fearing and rejecting the child, we accept all of their emotions, even the most difficult ones. When they get angry, or cry, or they are stressed, we stay close to them and try to see things from their side. We try not to take their reactions personally. We speak to them with empathy, showing them that we understand. We help them calm down and feel comfortable expressing even their most difficult feelings. When the latter are expressed, they dissipate. Now, the child can move forward without unnecessary burden.
- We guide the child by helping them to be their best self
Once we have connected with the child and they are calm and ready to listen, we discuss with them what would be the correct behavior in every situation, without blaming, without labeling, and without insulting them. For example:
‘Wow! No doubt you were extremely angry with your brother for telling him such a thing! Honey, I can see how upset you are, but it’s never okay to yell at others. You can tell him what you want without attacking him.’
What can we expect from positive parenting?
Over time, socializing with our child will become easier and easier as our child grows. And this is because we will have succeeded in developing with them a relationship of mutual respect where parent and child respect each other’s needs, and where the child has achieved some level of autonomy wherein they no longer require us for every situation. That way things are easier for both sides. With less drama, conflicts and unwanted behavior.
Positive education, according to research:
- Generates mutual respect within the family.
- It gives children the internal motivation to follow their parents’ guidance.
- Children do better in school, have fewer behavioral problems and better emotional health as they grow older.
- It strengthens children’s self-confidence, develops their autonomy, and properly prepares them for adolescence and adulthood.
- It helps parents be more sensitive and supportive towards their children, calmer and happier in their parenting role.
Transition requires taking care of ourselves
The transition to positive parenting is very difficult if we as parents are not feeling well. We cannot be patient and emotionally generous when we are strained and tired, physically and psychologically. Therefore, we must put our own well-being first, and this is very difficult when we have children.
If you regret the past
If your child is older and you regret having treated your child punitively in the past, this won’t help you in any way. What was done is in the past, and you did the best you could with the means you had. The mere fact that you are now considering a change in your attitude means that you are on the right track, and with the necessary dedication you will be able to turn things around very quickly.