17 January 2024
Stop, Drop, Breathe: the foolproof method to control our nerves
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Our daily life is highly demanding and causes a lot of stress and various negative emotions.
During the day, we go through many situations that may cause anger, resentment, annoyance, or even rage. These emotions may also appear in our role as parents and are often triggered by our child’s behavior.
One way to manage this emergency is the Stop-Let-Breathe method. Many times, it is useful to be able to make use of it at a critical moment, to write these three words down on a piece of paper on our fridge or even on the screen of our computer and mobile phone. During a tense moment, it is essential not to react impulsively and in the heat of the moment, because we will get the opposite result from what we would hope. No one will calm down, the child will be hurt and scared, the parent will regret losing their temper, and the family balance will be disturbed. The only case where we must react immediately is if there is a possibility of physical harm.
Stop-Drop-Breathe
I stop: Simply, I stop everything I do, every activity, and under no circumstances speak or communicate spontaneously with anyone.
I drop: I stop thinking about what brought me to this situation. For now, I don’t think about the event at all and stop having any expectations about subsequent events. E.g. I stop having expectations that the child will go to bed early, or stop fighting with their sibling.
I breathe: I take 3 long and deep breaths. I inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. If necessary, I can take up to 10 breaths to calm down. In this way, I calm down both mentally and physically and exit the state of confrontation.
What else will help us?
- I am making the right choice
The hardest part, but also the most important part, is when we are angry to choose not to act on our anger, and to decide that it is more effective to calm down. It is a conscious choice that any parent can make.
- I change my thinking
I make a conscious choice and choose to recall a beautiful image, a beautiful sound, or even a repeating phrase, a mantra like ‘Don’t take it personally’. That will calm me down and help me become emotionally generous.
- Physical tranquility
I try to calm down physically. I move my body, splash some water on my face, listen to my senses, hug myself.
When I am sure I have calmed down, then and only then do I return to the child to set boundaries or discuss the incident.
It's not easy
It may sound simple, but it is not easy. In fact, holding our temper in a difficult situation is one of the most difficult things for a parent to master, as most parents admit. This is largely due to the fact that outbursts of anger are triggered by emotions and situations that stem from our childhood, and we unfortunately have little control over them (triggers). It’s a bit like the child within us rebels and goes straight for a counterattack. But the “enemy” that stands in front of us is our own child.
With practice, improvement is perpetual
It can take from 3 to 6 months, with constant effort, but each time we manage to control our reactions, we retrain our brain for self-control, and eventually, we manage to do it without signs of difficulty or discomfort.
Read also:
Mantras: the magical phrases that help us stay composed
How to set limits for our children that are… respected!
Parenting Group