Special-time: Exclusive time with the child for 15′ a day

Exclusive time with the child (with each child separately if there are siblings), is one of the most important keys to establishing and maintaining the connection and good relationship with them. We therefore call this special time “their” time (the child’s name), for example, George’s time, Katerina’s time, etc. This time has many benefits such as: 

• We connect directly with the child after both have experienced so many small separations and challenges resulting in them feeling more relieved and happy, and more willing to cooperate with us. 
• This ensures the child the exclusive attention of the parent without any interference. 
• It enables the child to express every thought, fear, or feeling they may have, to an adult who is completely present, who shows trust and security to the child, and all this through a form of communication that the child knows very well, play. Through play, the child unconsciously processes things that concern them, without the parents even knowing what these are. 
• This time is the only time when the child is the absolute leader, leading the situation in contrast to the other times when they consider themselves powerless in the world of adults. 
• It enhances the parent’s ability to see the world from the child’s point of view with deep empathy, which is a balm for the bonding between them. 
• The child’s behavior improves and tantrums decrease, because the child feels they have the space and time to process whatever is bothering them, and deal with it. 
• Children get confirmation that they are absolutely important to parents, something they often question and want constant confirmation. Telling them just doesn’t convince them. 

• The parent feels very happy and relieved because they too see the change in their relationship with the child, and is often what they long for most, not knowing how to do it. In addition, they see how much calmer and cooperative their child has become. 

For exclusive time with the child to be effective, it is important that it is done regularly, because only in this way can the child-parent connection be kept strong. When done daily, in many cases this alone is enough to resolve chronic and nagging issues that families face with their children. 

• We spend exclusive time with each child individually. 
• Its duration should be between 15-25 minutes and not less, because the child does not have time to express themselves, and will get angry. 
• Ideally, we want it to be done every day, but if that’s not possible, at least as many times as possible during the week is better than nothing. 
• The child leads the process, that is, they decide what we will deal with, and we simply follow along commenting on the game. 
• The play should be unstructured but free, for example playing with dolls, bricks, trains, or a symbolic game with various scenarios, and not structured, for example making cookies or playing ball or a board game. 
• With older children, over 10 years old, we can listen to music together, or talk, or follow the children in whatever activity they like and suggest to us, even if we don’t like it as well. 
• We dedicate dedicated time every day even if our child is an only child. 

• We announce to the child what is going to happen. ‘My love, from today we will spend some time together, without anyone else. OK?’ At first, the child may be reluctant because they don’t know exactly what this is, and they have not experienced the benefits of exclusive time with us. 
• If you have more than one child, when you are going to apply this approach with one child, it is good that the rest are occupied with some other activity if they are older, or supervised by another adult if they are younger. The non-participating children can listen to a story or draw, or just play with your partner or another adult until it’s their turn. It is ideal when one partner can spend time with the non-participating child or children, and if you have two children, this time can also serve as their exclusive time. 
• Let the timer be the “villain” when it’s time to end the game. During the game, turn off your cell phone so you don’t get distracted, or even better, let it ring and don’t pick it up, don’t check for a possible notification. Because children know how attached we parents are to our cell phone, this is a good opportunity for your child to see how important they are to you at that moment. 
• A very nice phrase you can use is ‘I’m all yours for the next 15 minutes. The only thing we can’t do is read or look at screens, but we can do whatever else you want.’ another. If they systematically choose a structured activity, we can make an agreement with them that we will be taking turns in deciding every day’s activity. 
• When the game starts, we don’t guide the child through the game, we only comment. ‘How nice that you built that tall tower with the bricks.’. We should avoid phrases like ‘Put the green brick there to prevent the tower from collapsing’. Further, it is not the time to lecture the child on anything or try to teach them something. 
• Even if they ask for something outrageous, we can do a simulation. For example, if they want to go to an exotic island, we can set up beach chairs and make big palm trees out of cardboard, or if they want to play with face cream, we can find an older one that we don’t use and give it to them only during the time we spent together. 
• When the timer goes off, we stop the game with a few words of gratitude, for example ‘Oh! Time is up! Thank you so much for playing, I really like it when we are together. I can’t wait for tomorrow when we play again.’ It is very likely, especially the first few times, that the child will get frustrated and react, so we must deal with his emotional difficulty with as much empathy as we can. ‘I know my love that you wish our game would never end’. It’s perfect when we’re together. I can’t wait for next time.’ 

Once spending special time together becomes a habit, its benefits are immediately felt, not only from the child but from the parent, and the parent-child relationship becomes stronger than ever, ready to face any difficulty that may arise and any special challenge of modern life. 

“We are what we repeat doing. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” 

ARISTOTLE