25 March 2024
Secure attachment: What all parents need to know
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When we talk about bonding with a child, we usually think of a child who speaks, who communicates their needs, generally a child with whom we have physical and verbal interaction
However, bonding starts from the beginning of life.
All humans are programmed to connect with others. Depending on the degree of connection with our primary caregiver in the early stages of life, we develop secure or insecure attachment. It all depends on how responsive the parent is to the baby’s needs. During the first year of life, the child’s needs are biological, such as sleep, food, possible colic, but also psychological, such as the need for physical closeness, the smell of their mother, and security.
The more responsive to the child’s needs the parent is, the more secure the child feels, the more the child understands that they are worthy of love, and their self-confidence and self-esteem are increased. When the parent rejects the baby’s needs, failing to meet them, the child feels neglected, worthless, and accumulates anger.
In a recent study conducted in England, 60% of children had developed secure attachment. The remaining 40% either worried about whether their parents would respond to their needs or took for granted that their needs would not be met, to the point where they stopped expressing them altogether.
The most important factor in a baby developing into a toddler and later into a child and an adult who feels secure is the extent to which their needs and emotions have been heard. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and babywearing are very helpful for both mother and baby. However, if none of these can be done, there is still a way to respond to the child’s emotions by being present!
Why is secure attachment so important?
Because it gives the child the feeling that they are worthy of love. From the moment their primary caregiver, usually the mother, adores them, they are worthy of adoration and love from anyone. Τhey also learn trust. The world is a safe place where their needs are being heard. As scientifically proven, every time we experience an event, our brain is reprogrammed. For this reason, children who develop secure attachment have brains programmed for trust, security, connection, and self-confidence.
In contrast, other children whose needs are not met respond to the world with emotions with negative connotation: aloofness, catastrophizing, and seeking love and attention. Many times, this is true across generations. A parent who did not develop secure attachment during their childhood can be emotionally unavailable as an adult and thus fail to respond correctly or at all to their baby’s needs.
The good news is that even if you didn’t manage to develop secure attachment as a child, you can learn as an adult, doing enough work with yourself, to love unconditionally and create reparative experiences for your past and effectively meet all your children’s needs. This certainly requires personal effort and the help of a specialist when necessary.
How do I know if my child has developed secure attachment?
Very simple. By asking yourself 3 very simple questions:
- Does my child turn to me when they are anxious?
- Does my child turn to me when they are angry?
- Does my child turn to me when they are scared?
If the answer is yes, then everything is going well. If not, nothing is conclusive and catastrophic. It just takes a little effort and the right tools to reverse the situation.
In no case blame yourself. As in our daily lives, here too, the situation is not black and white. There are subcategories that your case may fall under. Despite done everything right from your side, you may have a child that needs more care, or a child with sensory issues who needs a different approach. Everything depends on whether you have all the knowledge needed to strengthen your connection with your child and the willingness to cultivate it.”