7 September 2024
How to set limits for our children that are… respected!
Reading time: 5′
Boundaries are very important to children. They provide children with security and direction. They teach them how they can be accepted and useful in the family and later in society as a whole.
Without boundaries, children feel insecure. When parents do not set limits for their children, children do not develop the ability to manage frustration or control themselves. What research shows is that when we don’t set limits, children have fewer opportunities to develop self-discipline. As much as we don’t like to upset our children and often avoid it at all costs, our job as parents is to guide our children and show them the right path in every aspect of their lives. A young child does not have the resources to make good decisions about his life on his own. But even a 14-year-old doesn’t have it all yet.
All parents are therefore called upon to set limits for our children in order to educate them and to develop self-discipline, but also to ensure a peaceful family coexistence. Children’s job, however, is to test our limits. And they do it constantly, testing… and our patience. In fact, they test every limit we put on them over and over to check if it still holds! Without a doubt, this requires readiness on the part of parents, and strong nerves. Some boundaries regarding the safety of children are non-negotiable, some others that depend on our style as parents or the directions we want to give to our children, we choose them.
Whatever the limits, of course, children react to them, as anyone would, since it is human nature to resist control. Nobody wants to be told what to do.
As parents, we therefore have to face the following seemingly impossible task: to set limits for our children without causing reactions. Sounds difficult to impossible, right? Hey, we don’t have the hardest job in the world for no reason! And yet, it happens. The secret to setting boundaries that stick is connection.
First, make sure to connect with the child
If we try to tell our child to do something he does not want to do, for example to leave the playground, or to brush his teeth, every child, from the youngest to the oldest, will react. He’s doing something he likes and we force him to stop and do something that HAS to be done. If we try to enforce the limit by shouting, threatening or punishing, the child rebels within himself and strongly resists our pressure and attitude. By trying to impose, we only succeed in directing the child’s thinking to how unfair his life is and we unwittingly put him in the process of thinking about how to get back at us. It is almost certain that this way will backfire on us. Because the child is adept at finding ways to get revenge… as any parent who has ever been in a bind will admit.
If, on the other hand, we try to connect with the child before setting the limit, the child is much more likely to cooperate. Why; Because what he wants is for us to understand how much of a sacrifice it is for the child to do what we ask of them… or how difficult it is for them.
So before we tell the child what they should do or what they shouldn’t do, we can show them that we understand their side. Let’s show empathy.
‘I understand that you really want the toy your sister has and you can’t wait to get it… indeed… it’s a great toy, but we’re not grabbing it! You can ask her nicely and when she’s done, she’ll give it to you.’
I see how much you want this sweet, my love.. but we don’t eat sweets at night. I bet when you grow up you’ll eat sweets all the time! Will you show me the tower you have been building for so long?’
It looks really fun what you’re doing! But we have to brush our teeth now because the time has passed. And then we can tell a fairy tale.’
Therefore,
We show the child that we understand their side, we behave with sweetness
We say what is the limit
We tell the child what they CAN do
Some things that can help us
- If we have the opportunity to make the child dream of what he would like at that moment and cannot have, as in the second example, (I bet when you grow up you will eat sweets all the time!) the child feels that we still understand them more. And… isn’t it nice to know that one day you will be in control of your life and not someone over your head telling you what to do?
- Also, especially with young children we can offer warnings before they have to do something they don’t want to do. One or two warnings, on the half hour, on the quarter, the help them manage the situation better.
- With small children again, it helps a lot, if we have the opportunity, to tempt them with a game with us. If they have to close the children’s program they are watching, for example, we can suggest that as soon as they close it, we play something together, even for 10′. A small child will hardly refuse such a proposal.
- One of the best ways to break the tension when our child is struggling is to playfully turn it into a joke: for example: ‘Which child has black teeth? To see! Hey, hey, I don’t see anything in here! Come on toothbrush, let’s see what we can do because the situation looks hopeless! Should I bring a flashlight?’ And other analogues that amuse the children unimaginably and change the atmosphere in a minute. If we manage to make our child laugh, we help him to get rid of stress and tension and to calm down, because laughter has this magical quality.
The moments when our children struggle the most are ideal opportunities for connection. But what if the child does not accept our limit and ignores us?
When our child ignores us
If we tell our child that, for example, he can’t play with the ball in the living room and he ignores us, then… what? In that case, we should just… get him the ball. ‘Darling, I see how much you like to play ball and you are really good!, but the living room is not the right terrain! You can go outside to play, or play with something else. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea together.’ Taking the ball away is not a punishment if we take it from the child’s little hands without provocative comments and shouts. But, it is our limit and the child should respect it.
If we don't stand firm on our limit
If we are not firm in our boundary, we are teaching the child that they can ignore us. Or that it may ignore us until we raise our voices. That’s why you should
- to choose the boundaries we set carefully
- to enforce them in a friendly manner and
- to stand firm in them.
We don't say it more than once
Once is enough. Then, we proceed to actions. In time children will understand that when we say something, we mean it. A child who has learned to be respected when asked to do something cooperates much more easily. We can set limits even on a baby, not so much with our words as with our actions. But also to a teenager if our boundaries are reasonable and communicated respectfully.
We don’t have the magic wand
As much as we respectfully set boundaries and show empathy, this does not mean that our child will follow our line with a smile and without reactions. We will encounter frustration, and crying, yelling, outbursts or other forms of reaction. It’s perfectly normal. Children should have the opportunity to express their frustration about something they don’t want to do. Keep cool and try not to get sidetracked. If you believe you’re on the right track and stick to your friendly attitude every time you set a limit, you’ll find that over time your child will accept your direction more easily. And your job as a parent will become much easier too!
Because we are all children…
We all grew up with boundaries. Try to remember in your own childhood how boundaries were enforced and how you reacted. When were you willing to cooperate and when were you not? Did you object to your elders or obey them? What would you like for your child?