16 December 2023
How to manage your anger so you don’t take it out on your child
Reading time: 3′
There comes a moment when your child does something that pushes you to the edge! In fractions of a second, your mind tells you that there is an emergency and you must intervene immediately, or else…
Or else what?
Usually, most situations where we feel we must intervene immediately to “save the day” and “put the child in their place” are not actually urgent. We just feel like we need to “save the day” before things get out of hand. And so, we go into battle mode.
When we are in battle mode, the enemy becomes our child.
We get angry, adrenaline spikes, and we feel like we must explode or else we will burst. And we explode. We shout, we lecture, and we put things in their place. Or so we think at that moment.
And then the next moment comes, right after we calm down a bit, and then… we start to feel bad about our reaction. ‘I shouldn’t have reacted like that, I feel bad for shouting,’ etc.
Every time.
And we tell ourselves that we be more careful next time. We don’t want to see our child’s frightened face again.
That next time comes, and the story repeats itself.
Shouting scares children, and although they may comply with what we want, yet they do so in the short term, out of fear. Furthermore, shouting does not correct their behavior in the long run.
And as if that weren’t enough, shouting damages our relationship with them. When they grow up with shouting, they get used to them, and their hearts harden against us. And we don’t want that.
So how can we restrain ourselves during those critical moments?
How can we see things more clearly and not cloud our minds?
This is one of the most difficult things you will be called to do as parents and it takes a lot of practice!
- Instead of lashing out, first tell yourself that it’s not an urgent situation. Nothing will happen if you don’t intervene immediately. No one will get hurt.
- Then, take a deep breath, let go of whatever you were doing up to that point, step away, and give yourself the chance to calm down. Giving yourself the chance to calm down will give you space and time to react in the way you choose, in the way you want, and not in a spontaneous dictated by uncontrolled anger.
- Take your time and think about what you would like to do. The goal is to have your child’s full attention, to ‘put yourself in their shoes,’ try to see things from their perspective, and help them understand what they did wrong and what is right.
Did they spill the milk? Did they hit their sibling? Did they refuse to turn off the screen? Did they break a toy? Whatever happened, there’s a way to intervene without shouting.
This is how you set an example for your child.
The way you act also sets an example for your child. You teach them to have self-control when they’re angry and to react after processing the situation. Your behaviour is the ultimate model.
Take preventive measures
It also helps to learn to recognize the situations that trigger you and to take preventive measures where possible.
Often there is an underlying emotion that makes us angry. Identify it. You may fear that if your child falls off the swing they will get hurt and that’s why you shout to warn them. Or it may be some experience from your childhood that makes you overreact to your child’s mistake unconsciously.
Say sorry
If at some point you loose control and shout, apologize to your child. Tell them you were wrong and that you shouldn’t have spoken to them like that. That you will do better next time.
Take care of yourself
Finally, try to take care of yourself daily, do something that you enjoy, be rested, so you have patience reserves before the critical moment arrives!”