17 December 2023
How to intervene in children’s fights to stop or [significantly reduce them]
Reading time: 5′
All siblings fight. They argue over fairness, parental attention, toy ownership, and countless other things. Simply put, siblings have many reasons to quarrel.
Our role as parents is to help them learn how to manage and overcome their differences, a lesson that will benefit them throughout their lives and significantly ease their interpersonal relationships. Fortunately, having a sibling offers them a great opportunity to practice this crucial life skill—with a little help from us.
But what does it mean to help our children learn to resolve their differences constructively? Does it mean we should intervene in their fights, stepping in as the wise and experienced adult to dictate what should happen?
No, of course not. Doing so would only enhance the sense of victory for one and that of defeat for the other, further intensifying their rivalry. Also, by providing the solution, we don’t teach children how to resolve their conflicts on their own; instead, we teach them that an adult must step in whenever they have a disagreement.
So, should we let them resolve their differences on their own without interfering? While this might help them take on the challenging task of peaceful coexistence and may result in fewer and milder fights, there’s a risk that the ‘weaker’ child could be left at the mercy of the stronger one, often the older sibling. This could mean fewer conflicts not because the children have learned to resolve their differences, but because the younger sibling has decided that it’s not worth the effort since they’ll lose anyway. This isn’t desirable either.
What we want is for each child to see the other’s perspective, as the opposing viewpoint is often the root cause of the conflict. Mutual understanding is the foundation for resolving any differences they have in any situation. Let’s look at practical ways to achieve this.
Intervening in children's fights
Our participation in their fights is helpful and appropriate until the children acquire the necessary conflict resolution skills, but not as a savior who provides the solution. Instead, we should act as a simple external observer. What does this mean? When we hear the children fighting, we intervene politely and begin to describe what’s happening without taking sides, evaluating, making assumptions, or drawing conclusions. For example:
Describe: “Oh no! It looks like something has happened here, and you’re both upset!” The children will start describing their side of the story, e.g.,
“He came into my room and messed up all the pieces I had organized, and it took me so long to do it!”
The other child might say, “Yes, but he took my teddy bear without asking!” We then describe what we hear:
Say: “I see you’re very angry that your pieces got scattered.”
And to the other child, “You’re upset that your teddy bear was taken without asking.”
Show Empathy: “It must be really frustrating to organize everything again. I understand.”
“You don’t want your things taken without permission; that makes sense.”
Next, ask the children to repeat what their sibling said.
Ask them to repeat: “What do you hear your brother saying?” “What do you hear your sister saying?”
“He says I messed up something he spent a long time arranging.”
“She says I took her toy without asking.”
Your presence provides the necessary security for the children to do this.
Then, without suggesting specific solutions, tell each child, “Your brother is angry and upset. I wonder what you can do to make things right with him.” Similarly, to the other child.
Invite the children to reconcile: “I wonder what you can do to fix things.”
The key is for the children to feel heard. This will help them calm down and see the situation more objectively. When we’re angry, we can’t view things objectively. The anger needs to subside first.
If the children are too angry to proceed with conflict resolution, ensure everyone’s safety by separating them. Step in to prevent anyone from getting hurt, give them time to calm down, and then follow the above method. Maintaining your composure will help the children calm down more quickly.
Set Rules That Everyone Must Follow
Rules such as no hitting or name-calling should be non-negotiable in the household, established during a family meeting.
“When we’re angry, it’s not acceptable to hit, push, bite, etc. We don’t call each other names; name-calling hurts.” And so on.
When what triggers the fight is an object
A different rule can also be established – when someone wants a game that the other has, they should give it no later than the next meal, for example. When children argue over an object they both want, we can say:
Say: ‘I understand you really want what your brother has, and it’s very difficult to wait, do you want to ask him for it nicely?’
If the child does it and the sibling doesn’t give the game, then:
‘Your sister really wants what you have now, do you think you’ll be done with it soon to give it to her?’
They might say they’ll give it to them soon, but they might also say no. Then the next meal rule comes into play. And it’s magical: when the moment comes for one sibling to give the game to the other, the gratitude of the one receiving it is great, and the joy of the one giving it is even greater. This creates a sense of connection between them.
For the child who has to wait to get the game in their hands and who is likely to be very disappointed about it, we can say:
‘It’s hard to wait so long, I understand, but I can help you wait if you want.’
Empathy is very important so that children feel understood, even if you don’t agree with them at a given moment. The more empathy you show, the more you create an environment inside your family where everyone can express themselves freely no matter how difficult it is to express themselves, whether it’s anger, jealousy, sadness, etc.
Should you intervene in every argument?
The above method of participating in your children’s arguments may require time and effort on your part, but you won’t need to do it for long. Moreover, your way of handling things sets an example for the children on how they can handle a disagreement, respecting the other’s position. Soon, the children will learn to follow the steps you taught them on their own, and the day will come when you’ll hear them do it independently of you, and you’ll be amazed.
Some parents reported results with this approach even after just one week.
What else contributes to children's arguments
It’s good to know that children argue more when they are anxious, when something scares them, when they don’t feel cared for and loved. If despite the above there continues to be tension between the children, what they may need is your attention, your care. Make them feel loved unconditionally, reassure them that you will always be there for them no matter what happens, and listen to them no matter what they have to tell you.
Try to show empathy for all their disappointments throughout the day, even the small ones, make them laugh out loud, and dedicate personal time to each child separately for 15 minutes a day or even more if you can, and finally, welcome all emotions, no matter how difficult they are. This will give children the emotional reserves they need to feel safe and be able to behave with greater calmness and a spirit of cooperation towards you and towards their siblings.”