How to connect with my teen

So let’s just say that now that our child has entered adolescence, parenting is more difficult, but by no means devoid of joy. Our first priority, is self-regulation. If we don’t keep our cool in a messy situation, things are more likely to escalate, making the whole interaction with our child even more difficult. It’s important to try to remain calm before and during a discussion, to avoid unpleasant developments, either by taking deep breaths, or by using various mantras that help us reframe the situation in our minds.

To connect with our child, it won’t help to suggest things to do, rather, we join in with them in what they are doing, because otherwise, they are most likely to tell us that they are busy and reject our suggestion. For example, if our son or daughter is listening to music, we can ask them for one earpiece to listen along.

Every opportunity we have to spend time together is precious. It can be a stroll to the coffee shop, the hair salon, a museum, an escape room, shopping, a day trip or a meal at a restaurant. What our child likes best, we do as often as we can.

And of course, we make sure that laughter is not missing from our child’s life. Laughter is the fastest way to connection. Our teenage child may not laugh as easily as they used to, but there are ways that an older child can have fun and laugh out loud such as a pillow fight, singing silly songs, pantomime or other fun games.

We can also connect with our teenager through discussion and guidance. If we find it difficult to start the conversation with our child, we can ask open-ended questions on a topic that we think our child is concerned about. In general, we avoid asking things directly so that the child does not feel that we are interrogating him. Also, whatever we hear them say, however contrary to our beliefs, however shocking, we never criticize or argue. The slightest criticism will bring the conversation to a close.

Only when our child feels that they will not be judged will they feel comfortable talking to us about everything, from the simplest to the most complex issues. When our child opens up, we must show curiosity, without forcing them to speak. For this reason, it is worth familiarizing ourselves with active listening.

• What are 3 characteristics of yourself that set you apart?
• If you could choose where to go on vacation, where would you like to go? Why?
• Which character from a book you’ve read could be your best friend? What do you love most about our relationship?
• If we had a special day together, what would you like us to do?
• If we switched places for a day, what would be the first thing you would do?
• Do you think your friends talk to their parents?
• What are the advantages of having siblings? What are the disadvantages?
• What qualities do you most admire in the people around you?
• What is the hardest thing at school?
• What would you do if you were in a car and the driver was drinking alcohol or using marijuana?
• What do you think changes when you have sex?

• Conversations in the car help a lot, because there is no eye contact, but also, since an awkward conversation is difficult for both the parent and the child, the car ride eventually ends when you reach your destination, so the pressure is less.
• Drive your child along with their friends to a place and let them talk in the car. Pretend that you are not listening and don’t interrupt. It’s your chance to learn valuable information about your child’s life.
• Do not start conversations while the child is using screen. Wait for them to stop using it first. Also, if the child comes to talk to you and you’re on a screen, unless it’s something urgent for work, turn it off immediately and concentrate on the child!
• Reach out to your child in the late evening hours when they are most likely to open up!

It’s adolescence, it will pass! Our role as parents is to help our child with their new challenges without being burdensome, and by trying to be by their side whenever they need us.