How to calmly handle children’s fights inside the car

Going out on the street and thinking that today is a good day that you managed everything without delays and fights, your son decides that they have nothing to do and start making fun of his sister. And the war has just begun! Screaming, yelling, threats, etc. 

After asking yourself ‘why me?'(!!) your own reaction begins. What you really want is to get in the back seat, start yelling for them to stop, and of course when that doesn’t happen, pull the car over to the side of the road and get them out and continue the yelling. 

Unfortunately, this will not benefit anyone. Children will be afraid, remain angry, and go to school with all these unpleasant feelings still active. You will arrive at work with similarly bad mood and regrets. 

What is certain is that for our road safety, the driver must always remain focused and calm in their seat, keeping their attention only on the road. Therefore, anyway, it is not wise to act while driving, and therefore we should stop the car in an safe spot on the side of the road. 

So let’s look at another way of handling this situation with better results. Let’s go back in time, to the time when the fight in the car starts. We stop the car on the side of the road without talking to the kids yet, get out of the car, and instead of getting the kids out and starting to yell, we get out and try to control our outburst that we feel is imminent. We don’t reach out to the kids yet, because we’re in a fight mode and can’t handle our anger at that moment. So we use our “pause button”. That is, we stop whatever thought is flooding us at the time, empty our mental agenda, which in this particular case is to stop the kids from fighting so we can continue driving, and take a deep breath. We breathe through the nose and exhale through the mouth. Breathing deeply through the nose helps our brain to calm down and allow us to think clearly. We repeat several times. 

Now that we’ve managed to calm the tension and our overwhelmed stress hormones have returned to normal, it’s time to ‘choose love.’ So we consciously choose to tame the storm in the car, instead of turning into a person who will add fuel to the fire. 

The only thing that is certain is that we have made the right decision. We have decided not to react spontaneously in the heat of the soul and instead, to calm ourselves down. After calming our body, what remains is to change our thinking and say the right words. 

Every one of our thoughts, captures an emotion and this leads us to an action. So the moment when thinking that: 

1. ‘My children make my life more difficult,’ you feel angry and this leads you to shouting. 

1. When you think ‘they shouldn’t fight in the car when I’m driving,’ you feel ready to fight and that leads to yelling. 

1. When you think ‘I can’t handle this at all’, you feel helpless and weak and this leads to shouting. 

So if you transform these negative beliefs into positive ones, you will feel differently and act another way: 

1. Instead, think ‘My children are going through a difficult time and they need my help.’ You immediately feel compassion and this helps you find the right, calm words you need. 

1. Instead, think, ‘Kids haven’t yet developed the part of the brain that helps them hold back.’ You immediately feel ready to solve their problem and that makes you find the right, calm words. 

1. Instead, think, ‘I can handle this.’ You immediately feel strong and capable, and that makes you find the right, calm words. 

Once you have accomplished all of the above, you are ready to return to the car and, with a calm and empathetic voice, address your children with the appropriate words. E.g: 

“My loves, I understand that morning is a difficult time and you would like to sleep more, but we don’t get on each other’s nerves. We speak calmly and respectfully.” 

“My sweet children, I understand that it is difficult to be at school for so many hours, but we do not shout or hit. Talk to each other without fighting.” 

In this way, things will calm down, we will all reach our destination without negative emotions and unnecessary anger. It sounds difficult at first, or one may think that there is no time to do all this because it may delay us getting to our destination, but it need not be done many times. At first, a little delay regardless the destination is worth it to avoid spoiling our relationship with our children with shouting and unnecessary pain. If you can’t speak calmly, it’s better not to speak at all, stop the car and just take your time to calm down so the situation can de-escalate. 

When you are ready, tell the children that you will start the car when everyone is calm. 

‘My loves, for our safety, I’ll start the car again when you’ve both calmed down and stopped fighting.’