9 August 2024
How the older child feels when he gets a sibling
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Our siblings are the people with whom we share our common past, our family in the good times and the hard times, in the joys and sorrows. And those who will be by our side in the course of our life, longer than anyone else.
However, the sibling relationship, until it ends up harmonious, goes through many storms. At the beginning, we prepare the child properly for the arrival of the new member. We talk to him about the arrival of the baby, we get him to help with the preparations and shopping, we look at photos from his childhood, his birth, his christening, etc., we spend time together as long as there are still 3 of us.
Then, once the baby is born and we come home with her, we try to keep the old routine we had to the best of our ability, splitting up the time we play with the older child and the time we are with the baby, as much as we can. If we are breastfeeding, we invite the older child to join us. We might read a book to them or play a simple game while the baby is nursing.
We have done great so far. The baby, however, has now reached 2 years of age, and suddenly turns into a young child. She takes up space in the house. While, just a while ago, she was only sleeping and eating, suddenly she is walking, talking, claiming things and interacting with significant others in the house, the parents primarily, and then grandparents, uncles, friends.
The elder child is dethroned
The elder child is now shaking with terror inside. His position in the family is at stake. Someone else is threatening his position. This little creature who was not worthy of jealousy and competition, suddenly tries to catch up and surpass him. And that’s where the struggle begins. A constant sense of injustice. Why does my sister have more orange juice, why does she still sleep with you in the room, why does she stay with mom while I go to school, why do you keep saying: “She’s still young, do her a favor. You are a big boy. You understand.”
And he thinks: ‘they don’t love me enough, that’s why they had another child,’ ‘I’m not good enough for them.’ And they pick on the sibling instead of the parents, so they don’t have to deal with the excruciating pain of thinking ‘I’m not good enough and I couldn’t make them love me.’
And as if all that wasn’t enough, every time they tease the baby, we scold them.
How to help your elder child deal with the dethronement
All this is not a light burden for a young child just a few years old. That is why the elder child needs our help to understand that we neither love him less than the baby, nor will we abandon him now that we have a new little creature that claims most of our time and attention. Once we become aware of the “big kid” side, our attitude inevitably changes automatically. What remains now is to convince our child that he has the same place in our hearts as before, and the way to do this is not as obvious as we think. We have to show him in action that we love him, it is not enough to tell him. We have to spend time with him and delight in him as often as possible. We have to acknowledge and express to him that we understand how difficult it is to be the first child sometimes. To have frequent conversations asking how things with his sibling and listening carefully to every complaint. Etc., etc.
If we succeed, the child, growing up, knowing that he has our love intact and that nothing can shake it or break it, will manage to banish the belief that he is falling somewhat behind, and the grudge against his sibling will dissipate.
This is how we can set the sibling relationship on a solid foundation early on. And everything is guaranteed to be easier, not only for the siblings, but for us too!