9 August 2024
How does the older child feel when he gets a sibling
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Our siblings are the people with whom we share our common past, our family in the good times and the hard times, in the joys and sorrows. And who will be by our side in the course of our life longer than anyone else.
However, the sibling relationship, until it ends up harmonious, goes through many storms. At the beginning, we prepare the child properly for the arrival of the new member. We talk to him about the arrival of the baby, we get him to help with the preparations and shopping, we look at his own childhood photos from the birth, christening and in general his childhood together, we spend time together as long as there are still 3 of us.
Then, once the baby is born and we come home with the new member, we try to keep the old routine we had, splitting up as much as we can the time we play with the older child and the time we are with the baby, if we are breastfeeding, at of breastfeeding we play something with the older child, and in general we try, as much as possible, to divide our time equally.
We’ve done great so far. The little baby, however, has reached around 2 and suddenly from a baby he becomes a child. Takes up space in the house. Where he used to only sleep and eat, suddenly he is walking, talking, claiming things and interacting with significant others in the house, parents first of all and then grandparents, uncles, friends.
The "big kid" side
The big kid is shaking. His position is at stake. Someone else threatens his position. This little creature who was not worthy of jealousy and competition suddenly tries to catch up and surpass it. And that’s where the struggle and negotiation begins. A constant sense of injustice. Why does my brother have more orange juice, why does he still sleep with you in the room, why does he stay with mom while I go to school, why do you keep saying: “He’s still young, do him a favor. You are a big boy. You understand.”
And he thinks: ‘they don’t love me enough, that’s why they had another child,’ ‘I’m not good enough for them.’ And they pick on the sibling instead of the parents, so they don’t have to deal with the excruciating pain of thinking ‘I‘m not good enough and I couldn’t make them love me.’
And as if all that wasn’t enough, every time they tease the baby, we scold them.
How to handle it
All this is not a light burden for a small child of only a few years. That is why the big child needs our help to understand that we neither love him less than the baby, nor will we abandon him now that we have a new little creature that claims most of our time and attention. Once we become aware of the “big kid” side, our attitude inevitably changes automatically. What remains now is to convince our child that he has the same place in our hearts as before, and the way to do this is not as obvious as we think.We have to show him in action that we love him, it is not enough to tell him. And we must do it often, at regular intervals, once is not enough. If we succeed, the child growing up, knowing that he has our love and that nothing can shake it, will manage to banish this belief that he is somewhere behind, and the grudge against his sibling.
The sibling relationship will be put on a solid foundation early on. And everything will be easier, not only for the siblings, but also for us!