25 January 2024
Educating the child in a public place
Reading time: 4,5′
One of the most important things that we have to accomplish as parents is managing our emotions so that we can effectively deal with our children’s behavior and emotions.
These daily challenges sometimes become more intense, depending on the circumstances. One such demanding condition is when we have to manage a crisis that is taking place in public, e.g., in the supermarket, in a playground, in a shopping mall, or even at a family/friend’s event.
What makes this more challenging than other situations is the feeling that there are other people present who are watching us, thinking about us, drawing conclusions and judging us about our behavior and the way we treat and educate our child. The shame we feel combined with our anxiety clouds our thinking and makes it difficult to behave properly. And before we fully realize what has happened, the shouting and threats begin.
There are various signs that foretell the child’s outburst and we, as we are the ones who know our children better than anyone else, can recognize them immediately. What we need to understand is that we need how quickly we react. We usually pick up the pace by saying, “Be patient my love. In two minutes we will have paid and will leave.” A child who has not yet developed control over their emotions due to age cannot handle what we say to them, resulting in them lashing out.
The solution, therefore, is first of all, instead of increasing the speed, to reduce it. We take deep breaths and try to reconnect with the child. We hug or make eye contact with them and try to redirect the child’s impulse by saying empathetically, “How nice it would be if we ran now. Do you want to go outside for a little run and then walk inside? Yes, like that.” Then you show them a funny way of walking. Laughter in these cases, and in general, is a lifesaver. It helps release tension and restore good mood.
If the child’s outbursts are frequent, maybe a little more work is needed in the connection we have with the child, or their biological needs may be unmet, such as, for example, hunger, thirst, fatigue or a possible cold. Of course, as mentioned above, it may be the case that all those needs are regulated and the child’s outburst is due to the fact that their brain is still not mature enough to be able to control their reactions.
Be that as it may, below we will see a guide that we can follow to deal with such situations, and it is possible that if we follow it, everyone present will admire us for how well we managed to deal with this condition.
We apply the Stop-Drop-Breathe method
We stop talking, maybe even walking. We give up any expectation, for example, that the child will stop shouting at the supermarket or that we will be back home from the playground on time. Breathe deeply at least 3 times, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. This helps our body to calm down and to turn off any alarms that have been going off in our minds.
We tame our stress
It is good to remind ourselves that our priority and responsibility is only our child and not the others around us. It also helps a lot to use a calming phrase, a mantra, like: ‘don’t take it personally,’ or ‘they’re acting like kids because they’re kids, or because they’re tired, hungry, sleepy!’ to handle this situation with composure: ‘I can deal with this.’ We don’t forget the breaths here either. They are life-saving and necessary to calm the body and let go of all kinds of anxiety and fear.
We physically connect with the child
We turn to the child and, if they allow us to, touch them gently and kindly. We make eye contact with them and always address them in a calm and low voice. If they don’t let us, we stay close and give them our full attention.
We verbally connect with the child
We address the child and describe the situation but from their side, in the way the child sees it, e.g.
“It seems you like this little car very much and would like me to buy it for you.”
“You’ve had a rough time with your sister today and you sure wish she’d leave you alone for a bit.”
We make sure the child feels understood and try to get their consent
“Have I understood correctly?”
“You need a little quiet sometimes, don’t you?”
We redirect our feelings, offer help or set our limits, always with empathy and taking into account the child’s side
“The car you want is very nice, with perfect color and lights. But now we’ve come to get your friend’s birthday present. We can put it on your wish list and if you still want it by your birthday, we can get it then.”
“It is true that many times we want some time alone. You can tell your sister without attacking her. Also, you can ask for my help and I will gladly give it to you. I was going to call her to help me with dinner anyway.”
Repeat
Logically, the child will now say to you “Okay mom.” But if something like this does not happen, as you can never be sure of what the child is going through at any particular moment, you do not lose your temper in any case. What is certain is that other people present absolutely admire your reaction. So you repeat the stop-release-breathe and say something like, “That wasn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, was it?”
Comment and say something to those who are staring at you
Many people will decide to get involved or comment on the situation. You, since it’s not urgent and you won’t be breaking down your whole parenting philosophy to the public, can say, “The kid’s fine…We just want some time alone.”
Move to a more quiet and private place with the child
If the child has thrown a tantrum or has an emotional breakdown, chances are you won’t be able to continue shopping. So go somewhere quiet, maybe in the car. It’s perfectly reasonable to be angry with your child for causing a scene, but honestly that wasn’t their intention. They are just a child, and they needed to be soothed through your own calmness. So listen empathetically and stay by their side if they cry. If the rush of the moment wears off, go back to shopping. If not, leave the area.
Continue to calm yourself down
Surely this difficult situation in a public place has embarrassed you and created anxiety for you. Continue to calm yourself down. If it comforts you, think that they are people you may never see again and say to yourself, “Sometimes we all have hard days.”
It is not at all easy to react like this at the critical moment. That’s why it’s important to be able to stay composed and calm. And remember that you won’t feel shame for your child’s outburst, but for whether you became the parent you don’t want to be.
Read also:
Stop, Drop, breathe: the foolproof method to keep our nerves in check
Parenting Group