25 December 2023
Children Have the Right to Family Grief
Reading time: 2,5′
The news of the passing of a loved one and the subsequent grief period is often accompanied by awkwardness in our relationship with children.
It is important to understand that children feel both loss and grief in their own unique way, which is mainly related to their age and maturity. Regardless of their age, they need to feel the pain, process and overcome the difficulty they are faced with.
What we, as adults, must do is try to manage our own sorrow while also acknowledging our children’s sorrow as they experience it. Only then can we support them effectively.
How do children perceive death?
During infancy and early childhood, a child does not comprehend the concept of death because they struggle with the idea of permanence. However, they do perceive the loss of the person and the feeling of sadness within their environment. The grief period affects them strongly, and they express their sorrow through non-verbal behavior such as sleep disturbances, changes in eating habits, crying, and irritability.
In preschool age, a child still does not fully grasp the permanence of death. They might believe that the person who has left could suddenly return. They also think they can “cause” death through their thoughts or words. Children of this age may show regressive behaviors during periods of grief, such as nighttime bedwetting or thumb-sucking.
In school age (6-12 years), children start to understand the permanence of death, but they often believe it only affects others. During grief, they might develop phobias, aggressive behavior, mood swings, and learning difficulties.
In adolescence, teenagers fully grasp the concept and permanence of death. Their reactions can be extreme, ranging from an overt need for support to adopting a cynical attitude due to a deeper fear of showing their true feelings. Anxiety, unjustified anger, eating disorders, a tendency to isolate, provocative behavior, deep sadness, pessimism, and academic failure are some changes in the psychology and life of a grieving teenager.
How can we help our children?
Pay close attention to the child’s thoughts and expression of feelings about loss.
Encourage such discussions and do not urge the child to stop thinking about the event. This would violently interrupt their process of grief, preventing them from ever overcoming the trauma.
Answer children’s questions with honesty and authenticity.
It is often difficult for adults to manage their emotions, making conversations with children very challenging. Therefore, we should thoroughly process our answers before children start asking questions. We should not be afraid to use certain words, no matter how harsh they may be for us to express. We must not lie.
Address children based on their age, maturity, and personality.
At every stage, choose answers that the children can understand. Especially for very young children, limit responses to clear and brief answers to their questions. Avoid general and abstract concepts (e.g., grandma became an angel, she’s watching us from the stars) because children cannot yet clearly detect the boundaries between fairy tale and real life.
Many children experience guilt over the loss of a loved one, thinking they are personally responsible.
Parents should reassure children that they are not at fault in any way. The development of phobias for themselves or others is common in grieving children. We must create a protective shell around children, affirming through words and actions that nothing bad will happen.
Should children attend the funeral?
When children are a bit older, after age 8-10, attending the funeral and burial usually helps them understand the loss and accept the new situation more easily. However, we should ask the child if they want to attend the funeral, and if they refuse, we should not force them under any circumstances.