A child forced to apologize doesn’t really mean it.

By listening to our child’s feelings, we can help them manage and understand what led to their misbehavior. 

For example, in a friendly tone: “You were so angry that you hit the other child! I can see how upset you were. Did something happen that upset you?” 

Respond politely to the explanations they give and continue, 

“I understand that you wanted to take the toy at that moment, but we don’t hit; it hurts! You can ask nicely for anything from another child, and they might give it to you on their own. If they don’t, wait a little, and you can have it later. Or, you can ask me for help.” 

This way, besides guiding our child on what’s right, we connect with them emotionally, thus making the child feel that their parent is there for them. Every difficulty our child faces is an opportunity for connection and for further strengthening of our relationship with them. 

Also, simply acknowledging our child’s negative emotions is enough to help them manage them. The child may not have gotten the toy they wanted, but they have a parent who understands, and that counts for much more than anything else. 

Once they have calmed down, the child can choose what they want to do. They may try to approach the other child in some way on their own, even sincerely apologizing, or they may think of something else on their own. Otherwise, we can give them some ideas. 

“If you want, you can offer your toy to the other child for a while; they’ll surely be happy. Or you can play some ball together. Whatever you want.” 

What we need to teach our children is that they are responsible for their relationship with others, not us. When they do something that negatively affects someone else, they should try to mend the rift they caused. The choice of how they do it should be theirs. If we force them to act the way we want, we take the responsibility away from them. 

If they do nothing at all, they will face the consequences of their choice. A child who is aggressive and doesn’t share their toys isn’t accepted as easily as others who do. Children are not dumb. They quickly understand the dynamics in human relationships and realize which strategy benefits them best. 

Once the child realizes that their behavior (e.g., hitting) is not acceptable to their parent or to others, they will rethink their methods. 

If we allow the child to choose how to restore their wrongdoings, it’s easier for them to understand that this is their responsibility and that they have to practice how they amend their mistakes. 

Of course, children do not know how to do so by themselves. That’s why we should guide them in what they can do while showing that we understand and respect their choices. 

If the child resists amending their mistakes because they feel they were hurt and that their action was justified, it may mean that their emotional load and the wrong conclusions they may have drawn from previous incidents don’t allow them to see immediately what is right and what is not. 

So immediately start building trust with your child, listen carefully to their descriptions of the incidents that cause them sorrow or confusion, and acknowledge their feelings, which may be rooted in the past. 

As time passes and they feel better with your support and they will automatically improve their behavior towards others. 

If you ever did something to someone that you regretted later, wouldn’t you want it to be your choice whether to apologize or not? How would you feel if someone forced you to apologize, especially publicly?