How to make amends if you fight in front of the child

Previously, it was generally accepted that fighting in front of our children was not harmful, as long as we found them afterwards. Research on neurophysiology, however, questions this point of view.And this is because it has been observed that when we fight in front of children, stress hormones increase in their bodies and remain at high levels for a long time. This even happens to a baby if he happens to hear voices while sleeping.

The tension children experience can persist for hours after the event. As any child would tell us, yes, it’s scary when adults fight, and because he can’t go to them for comfort, he represses his fear without dealing with it, and it then manifests in tantrums, anxiety, and bad behavior.

But the worst thing is that the children learn that the way to solve our differences is by shouting.

Hopefully, yes. If our disagreements are communicated with respect for the other person and in a normal tone of voice, without trying to prove that the other person is wrong and we are right, then the children learn that yes, differences exist in a relationship, but they can also be resolved peacefully.

If in fact we find each other and the children see this, then we set an example for the children in the durability of relationships.

So, feel free to handle your differences with your partner in front of the kids, if it’s in those contexts. But if you see that things are getting out of control, and the tone is rising, then it is a good idea to take a break and agree to discuss the matter at another time, when you are alone. Find a phrase that you can use in these moments, for example:

‘I understand, I love you, but right now it’s hard to talk, let’s talk about it later.’

Don’t panic. The risk to children exists when fights are continuous, not when they are occasional.

• Is your tone of voice soft?
• Is the language you use respectful?
• Are you able to express your disagreements without attacking each other?
• Do you show the children examples of your love and companionship at other times?
• Do you make sure to find each other, in front of the kids?

For anything you think may have affected your child, talk to him openly. In the event of a fight with your partner, say for example:

‘It must have been hard when we were arguing with mum/dad a while ago huh? I understand love, it’s not right to yell at each other.. Sorry we lost control and upset you. We have our disagreements too, but know that we make sure to resolve them. We love you very much. And we love each other too.’

It helps children a lot to ‘relive’ an experience that was difficult for them, because that way they can manage the feelings it created for them and put them behind them. With our help, through a conversation in a calm moment, they can recall the bad experience and eliminate the terror they experienced during it.Thus, they gain resilience and slowly feel more and more capable of dealing with stressful situations.