Children cooperate more easily when they feel understood

Most likely, none of this happened. But, have you ever wondered why? Have you ever wondered why logical explanations don’t work? Is it because children don’t understand them? No! Children understand them, and in fact, they understand them perfectly! So, why might that be?

Let’s exit the world of adults for a moment – ​​where everything is explained in logical terms – and enter the world of children.

You are a child. Your mother insists that something must be done and you don’t want to do it. For example, you have to leave the playground, where you are having such a good time, because it is getting dark. And she starts: ‘Come on, put on your jacket, let’s go home. We have to get back before it gets dark. It’s already 7 and we have things to do, plus you need to sleep at a reasonable hour because you have class tomorrow morning!’

What of what she said that reached your ears made you understand and accept that you now have to leave the playground? All you know is that you’re having a good time and you want to stay longer, everything else is noise and at least for you, they don’t matter. Right?

But you have to endure the discomfort of having to leave the playground immediately, and as if that weren’t enough, you have to endure the endless logical explanations that never end. What would make your departure a little less painful? What would make you accept Mom’s urging and leave, not necessarily happily, but at least with a cooperative attitude? (And not with shouting, crying, resistance and the bitterness that usually follows all of this?)

You really want to stay at the playground longer, and you want Mom to know this, because you are going to make a significant sacrifice by going home immediately. No matter how much you tell her, you don’t feel like she understands – she keeps showering you with logical explanations. What would it be like if she did this instead of babbling: To come close, kneel down to your level, look at you in the eye and say: ‘I understand that you don’t want us to leave right now… you’re having such a good time. And you reeaaallly don’t want to go home, do you? AND we have to leave now sweetheart, because it’s getting dark. I understand. I see how much fun you’re having.’

Your pain has been heard. Mom’s wish for you to go home is now respected. You slowly start to get used to the thought, until you decide that the game is over for today. You put on your jacket and leave with a cooperative attitude because Mom respected your feelings. She understood them. She recognized them. She knows that it wasn’t easy for you to leave and she will appreciate you leaving. Definitely.

A simple acknowledgement of a child’s feelings can go a long way. A simple acknowledgement of a child’s negative feelings has the power to neutralize them.

Connecting with a child, acknowledging their feelings and respecting how they feel each time, can make all the difference in how willing they are to cooperate with you. When children feel that we understand them, they are willing to understand us too. Logical explanations don’t mean much to children, remember, they don’t live in the adult world. They will understand these when they become parents themselves one day. Or at least when they stop being children. If you have to give a logical explanation, one is usually enough: ‘We have to leave the playground because it’s getting dark.’

So in every small or big disappointment your child has, try to put yourself in their shoes and feel how they feel. Acknowledge their feelings and identify with them. A child who has a parent who understands them doesn’t need much else.

‘I understand that you really want this toy, but we won’t get it today.’

‘I see how much you want to play with your friend’s toy, but it’s his and he wants it now. Maybe later.’

‘I know how hard it is to learn to tie your shoelaces, try one more time and you’ll get it.’

‘I understand that you’re angry that your toy was taken away, but we never hit, we always use gentle hands.’

‘I see that you don’t feel like eating beans, but we don’t have anything else to eat today.’

‘I understand that you’re upset that you lost your ball, and I would be upset too. It was a really nice ball.’

‘It’s not easy when you start school for the first time. It’s really hard and it takes courage until you get to know your classmates and teachers. I know.’

Such remarks give children courage to face their difficulties and disappointments boldly. And eventually, to come across at the other side.

Good luck!