If the older child keeps attacking the younger one, the cause may be deeper.

Because in this way, the chances of the fight escalating and going out of control decrease. Through our mediation, children learn how to resolve their differences without getting hurt. Also, the smooth resolution of their differences will determine how siblings feel towards each other and the rest of the time, the moments they don’t fight. 

However, even if we intervene every time things get out of hand and in the right way, we may have noticed that one child always seems ready for a fight. It seems sensitive and angry. It attacks the other child at the slightest provocation, and sometimes without reason, without the other child having done anything. 

This is an indication that the child may have a deep resentment towards their sibling, which is very common in firstborn children. It is possible that when the baby was born, the parents did not know how to handle the difficult emotions caused by the dethronement of the first child, or they were too busy to deal with them. They may have even been angry with the older child at the first sign of non-acceptance of reality on their part, or in instances of negative behavior due to this non-acceptance. 

With the arrival of the second child, the first child may feel that they are not loved enough, or that the baby is loved more, and that they now have less value to their parents. If indeed the parents get angry with the older child and scold them, this further intensifies the difficult feelings of insecurity and fear. 

Some parents may say that they did everything to prevent the older child from feeling jealous and upset about the birth of the baby. However, feeling jealous and upset is inevitable. 

Thus, the child decides to blame the new sibling. To admit that it is not worthy and lovable enough and to blame themselves is too painful, so they direct the blame towards the new member of the family who took away the attention and love of their parents. 

Of course, none of this is true. Parents love both children equally, or all their children equally. However, the older child uses this story created in their mind as a self-protection mechanism. Now, the second child is the enemy. 

Suddenly, with every positive interaction of the mother with the baby, the older child’s feeling that they are loved less is reinforced. Every time the father smiles or plays with the baby, the child feels that they have less value. With every positive interaction of the parents with the other sibling, the story in the older child’s mind is confirmed. 

‘I am no longer loved. I have no value.’ 

This feeling is extremely painful for a young child, and parents struggle to understand it. They consider their older child needs much less help and attention and is more capable than the baby, hence the parents feel that surely the older child should be able to cope with this pleasant change in the family. 

The difficult feelings of the older child about their dethronement have now begun to act. The child has received a serious blow to their sense of self-worth. And this is perfectly normal and inevitable. 

If we understand this early on, we can intervene and alleviate these difficult feelings by frequently talking to our child about how they feel about the baby and accepting all their emotions. 

Usually, however, we do not realize it until the second child grows old enough to resist the first. Then the fights start and the constant friction. And as it is natural, violence begets violence. When the older child attacks the younger one, the younger one gets angry and either cries, gaining the sympathy of the parents, or attacks back. 

The continuous attacks of the older child on the younger one, apart from causing disturbance in the family, may also cause a problem for the younger child, who may feel that they always make mistakes, that they are not worthy, and thus their way of interacting with the outside world, with their family but also with their friends, may be affected. 

The resentment of the older child towards the younger one stems from when the younger one was born, and as unbelievable as it may seem for some feelings to remain rooted in us from old times, feelings have no time or space, and if they are not dealt with, they continue to act on us. Difficult feelings disappear only when they are processed, only if they are ‘heard.’ 

This resentment must obviously be addressed. But how? 

Essentially, we must give the older child the opportunity to express all the difficult feelings they experienced during that time and to manage them, so that they can then accept the reality and, consequently, their younger sibling. 

The parent, therefore, must address the sensitive issue with the older child, something that is not at all difficult because every negative manifestation of the older child towards the younger one can be the occasion. 

‘I can’t take it anymore! I wish I didn’t have a sister!'” 

Is that what you’re looking for? 

We have an opportunity to delve deeper. What else can we say?” 

“My dear, I understand. Sometimes it’s hard being the older sibling.” 

“Do you feel like I spend more time with your sister? Or that I’m with her when you need me more?” 

“Do you wish things weren’t like this… do you wish you didn’t have to share everything with your little sister, even me?” 

“Do you miss the times when it was just us with dad?” 

These opening lines of communication will help the child bring back to the surface their difficult emotions and learn to manage them. 

We need to listen and accept whatever they have to say. 

If we’ve managed to develop a relationship of trust with our child, they’ll feel the necessary security to open up. 

The child might cry, or discuss their feelings more freely, or process them in their dreams, or express them through their art. 

At some point, it’s good to say: 

“I understand it’s very hard, but your sister isn’t going anywhere, she’s part of our family.” 

If they haven’t cried before, this might make them cry, because that’s exactly where their pain lies. 

Ultimately, this will help them accept that they have a younger sibling. When negative feelings are expressed and find an outlet to disappear, there will be space for the creation of positive feelings towards their sibling. 

The child will be able to see their sibling as another person with needs and desires, and will start to take the other child’s side into account during their interactions. After all, when we feel dislike for someone, it’s hard to “feel” them and see their side, right? 

If we alleviate the pain of the older child and make them feel loved and worthy, then the relationship with their sibling may have a chance to flourish. 

Of course, this won’t happen just through one conversation, but through many. Slowly, over time, we’ll notice that the conflicts start to become rarer and that our children cooperate better. 

• Create situations where they can have fun together. For example, start a game or an activity that both enjoy, for them to do either together or with you. 

• On a trip to the playground, go just the two of you, without the children’s friends, so that the siblings can play together. 

• Also, look for opportunities to speak positively about one child to the other. For example, “Your sister really admires you for this and that, did you know?” 

• If the younger child says something nice about the older one, mention it to them. 

• Ask the older child to do something nice for their sibling, like reading them a story, protecting them from something, or keeping them company. 

• Finally, help them develop empathy by asking, for example, the older child “Is your sister struggling with this or that, what do you think could help her?” etc. 

Keep in mind, however, that it’s impossible to completely eliminate sibling rivalry; it will always exist, just not to the same extent. Resentment and animosity will decrease, making room for love.