28 February 2024
Helping children play on their own
Reading time: 3′
The main objective for young children is to play. Through it they learn about the world, develop dozens of skills, and prepare for their later life.
But, as paradoxical as this may sound, children are initially not able to play alone. When we take the rattle out of the baby’s hands to show them how to shake it properly, we interfere with their natural inclination for personal exploration. It is as if we are interfering with the child’s propensity for discovery. We often do for children what they have to do when they are engaged in a game, to “help” them play, or to show them what a game is for.
And yet, how many times have we not been impressed by seeing our children come up with original ways to play with their toys, ways that not even the toy manufacturers themselves had in mind when designing them!
According to one mom:
“I had placed Monopoly on a very high shelf because it was inappropriate for my child’s age, until one day when I took it down to clean, I caught my child playing by sorting the cards and moving the pawns between the stacks as if he was on a track. I didn’t know Monopoly could be played like that as well!”
How many times have we seen a baby play with the wrapping of a present instead of the present? They rush to grab it with their little hands to explore how it behaves, how it sounds when they shake it, etc.
Children can make a toy out of anything and very often they don’t even use toys in their ‘game’. They may make a house out of the sofa pillows, or carry water from one container to another for endless hours. Their imagination run wild, and it’s enough to keep them busy in a small space for days.
It's enough to let them play.
Many times we ourselves put limits on how far the game can go. We may be worried that the sofa pillows will get dirty, or that the kitchen floor will be left full of water. Naturally, these games are not acceptable.
It goes without saying that some games should be banned if they pose a risk or even if they can end up in property damage or extra trouble for us. But where we can allow our children to experiment with the various objects and set up a game, it is good to allow them, for a variety of reasons.
Facilitating independent play
To help our children play independently, we can do take some simple steps:
- Inspect the area so that the children can play safely and without getting into trouble.
- Help them start playing a game: when they get bored or want to play with us, we can take out a game and start playing with them. Then when we see that they become absorbed by the game we can find an excuse to step away. For example by saying “I’m going to check on the food” or “I’m going to the bathroom, see you soon.” A child that has learnt to always play with someone, may take up to a few days to feel comfortable playing alone. The first few attempts are ‘’the key’’. When the child asks us, it is important to go back to them so they don’t feel rejected and attempt to leave again after a while.
- Let’s ask them to watch them play for a while. This is one of the best ways to facilitate independent play. As we watch, we can describe what the child is doing with admiration. E.g. ‘You built a tower up there!’, ‘Now you collect all the yellow pieces,’ and so on. We shouldn’t suggest solutions or judge, we merely describe. In this way we help them understand that they don’t need us to play by themselves. Or that the game isn’t necessarily better with us. In short, we make them feel good about the way they play. (See here how this can become one of the most powerful tools for connecting with our child: Special-time: Exclusive time with the child for 15′ a day).
- Finally, not all games need be always available. Store them in a cupboard and pull out something different every day so they don’t get bored or overwhelmed by the multitude of options.