18 March 2024
Calm voice chart: when our child evaluates the tone of our voice
Reading time: 2′
The calm voice chart is a tool with which we can make our child the judge of whether we speak to them with respect or not.
We create a simple chart with squares for each day of the week. We explain to our child that we always want to talk to them without shouting and ask them to put a sticker for each day that has passed without us raising our voice. We commit to always speaking to them with calm and respect, guiding our child regarding whatever they need.
Every evening, we ask the child if we managed not to shout. If the child decides not to put the sticker, they have every right to do so, even if we think we didn’t shout at all. Sometimes, we don’t realize that our tone may be contentious. If this happens, we can ask the child why they didn’t give us a sticker and apologize if they tell us they perceived something we said as an attack.
“Do you think it was unfair that I was impatient with you until you put on your shoes and we left the house? And when I raised my voice, you were scared. I apologize for that.”
Remember that nobody deserves to be shouted at, especially a child. Think about what you could do next time to give yourself more support so you won’t do it.
If the chart fills up with stickers, you can promise yourself a reward. It’s a great achievement!
Tell yourself:
Every time you realize you’re about to shout, stop talking:
- You can bite your tongue.
- You can use the Stop-Breathe-Let Go method.
- You can leave the room until you regain self-control.
- You can use magic phrases (mantras) to calm yourself.
- Relax your body through breathing and observing your sensations.
- Splash cold water on your hands.
- The most important thing is to resist the urge to react in the heat of the moment.
This gets easier with practice.
This particular method has both a disadvantage and an advantage. The disadvantage is that you are faced with a difficult task as you have to always remind yourself to calm down whenever you get angry. The advantage is that the more often you do it, the easier and more automatic this becomes.
It’s hard to get out of fight or flight mode when you’re angry, because that’s when you think you’re in an emergency situation and your child is suddenly the enemy. For this reason, it is very important to practice self-restraint.
No matter if you have told them a thousand times not to step on the carpet with their shoes, no matter if you have informed them 10 times that the food is ready and everyone ignores you, if you shout now, things will become 1000 times worse. So there is only one solution: Calm down and act calmly!
If it helps, remember that the child learns from you and imitates your behaviors. This is another reason to teach him the right way to react in times of crisis.
This process of stopping ourselves from shouting may take time. At first, out of the 5 times we shouted a day, we might manage to hold back twice. Subsequently, we manage to hold back three times, and without realizing it, one day we realize we haven’t shouted at all! Through daily repetition, we’ve reprogrammed ourselves to stop shouting. We managed to break a habit that bothered us all and wasn’t effective, simply by not reacting in the heat of the moment and instead, calming ourselves and choosing our response.