11 June 2024
How to set limits with your child without yelling, threats or punishment
Reading time: 5'
Limits are very important to children. They provide children with security and direction. They teach them how they can be accepted and useful in the family and later in society as a whole.
Without limits, children feel insecure. When parents do not set limits for their children, children do not develop the ability to manage frustration or control themselves. What research shows is that when we don’t set limits, children have fewer opportunities to develop self-discipline.
As much as we don’t like to upset our children and often avoid it at all costs, our job as parents is to guide our children and show them the right path in every aspect of their lives. A young child does not have the resources to make good decisions about their life on their own. But even a 14-year-old doesn’t have it all yet.
All parents are therefore called upon to set limits for our children in order to educate them and develop self-discipline, but also to ensure a peaceful family coexistence. The children’s job, however, is to test our limits. And they do it constantly, testing… our patience as well. In fact, they test every limit we put on them over and over to check if it still holds!
Without a doubt, this requires preparedness and strong nerves. Some boundaries regarding the safety of children are non-negotiable, others depend on our style as parents or the directions we want to give to our children.
Whatever the limits, of course, children react to them, as anyone would, since it is in human nature to resist control. No one wants to be told what to do, let alone be forced to do it.
As parents, we therefore have to face the seemingly impossible: to set limits for our children without causing reactions. Sounds difficult.. almost impossible, right? Well, we don’t have the hardest job in the world for nothing.
And yet, it IS possible. The secret to setting limits that stick, is connection.
First, make sure to connect with the child
If we try to tell our child to do something they do not want to do, for example to leave the playground, or to brush their teeth, every child, from the youngest to the oldest, will react. They are doing something they like and we force them to stop and do something that HAS to be done.
If we try to enforce the limit by shouting, threatening or punishing, the child rebels within him or herself and strongly resists our pressure and attitude. By trying to impose our limit, we only succeed in directing the child’s thinking to how unfair life is, and we unwittingly make him or her think how to get back at us. It is almost certain that this way will backfire on us. Because the child is adept at finding ways to get revenge.. as any parent who has ever been at a dead end will admit.
If, on the other hand, we try to connect with the child before setting the limit, the child is much more likely to cooperate. Why? Because what the child wants is for us to understand how big a sacrifice it is for herself to do what we ask for…
So, before we tell the child what he should do or what he shouldn’t do, we can show him that we understand his side.
By showing empathy.
‘I understand that you really want the toy your sister has and you can’t wait to get it… indeed… it’s a great toy, but we’re not grabbing it! You can ask her nicely and when she’s done, she’ll give it to you.’
‘I see how much you want this sweet, my love.. but we don’t eat sweets at night. I bet when you grow up you’ll eat sweets all the time! Will you show me the tower you have been building for so long?’
‘It looks really fun what you’re doing! But we have to brush our teeth now because the time has passed. And then we can read a fairy tale.’
Therefore,
- We show the child that we understand his or her side, we act kindly and offer empathy
- We state the limit loud and clear
- We tell the child what he or she CAN do instead
Some things that can help us
- If we have the opportunity to make the child dream of what he or she would like at that moment and cannot have, as in the second example, (I bet when you grow up you will eat sweets all the time!) the child feels that we still understand more. And.. isn’t it nice to know that one day you will be in control of your life and that you won’t have someone over your head telling you what to do?
- Also, especially with young children, we can offer warnings before they have to do something they don’t want to do. A warning or two, on the half hour, on the quarter, helps them manage the situation better.
- With small children, it helps a lot to entice them with an invitation to play with us. If they have to shut down a device for example, we can suggest that as soon as they do, we will play something together, even for 10.’ A young child will hardly refuse such a proposal.
- One of the best ways to break the tension when our child is struggling is to playfully turn it into a joke: eg: ‘Which child has black teeth?’ Let’s see! Hey, hey, I don’t see anything in here! Come on toothbrush, let’s see what we can do because the situation looks hopeless! Shall I bring a flashlight?’ And other analogues that amuse children unimaginably and change the mood in a minute. If we manage to make our child laugh, we help her get rid of stress and tension and calm down, because laughter has this magical effect.
The moments when our children struggle the most, are ideal opportunities for connection.
But what if the child does not accept our limit and ignores us?
When the child is ignoring us
If we tell our child that, for example, he can’t play with the ball in the living room and he ignores us, then… what?
In that case, we should just… get the ball.
‘Darling, I see how much you like to play ball and you are really good!, but the living room is not the right terrain! You can go outside to play, or play with something else. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea together.’
Taking the ball away is not a punishment if we take it from the child’s hands without provocative comments and yelling. But, it is our limit and we are keeping firm.
If we do not keep firm
If we don’t stick to our boundary, we teach the child that she can ignore us. Or that she may ignore us until we raise our voices. That’s why we should:
- choose the boundaries we set carefully
- enforce them in a friendly manner and
- hold them firm
We don't need to say it more than once
Once is enough. Then, we proceed to actions.
In time, children will understand that when we say something, we mean it. A child who has learned to be respected when asked to do something, cooperates much more easily.
We can set limits even on a baby, not so much with our words as with our actions. But also on a teenager if our boundaries are reasonable and communicated respectfully.
We don't have the magic wand
As much as we set boundaries by showing empathy, this does not mean that our child will follow our lead with a smile and without any reaction. We will encounter frustration, crying, yelling, tantrums, or other forms of reactions. It’s perfectly normal. Children should have the opportunity to express their frustration about something they don’t want to do. Keep cool and try not to get sidetracked. If you believe you’re on the right track and stick to your friendly attitude every time you set a limit, you’ll find that over time your child will accept your direction more easily. And your job as a parent will become much easier too!
Because we are all children..
We all grew up with boundaries. Try to remember in your own childhood how boundaries were enforced and how you reacted. When were you willing to cooperate and when were you not? Did you object to your elders or obey them?