5 easy steps to respond to our child’s emotional needs

Humans are born immature. We all start our lives with immature brains. For example, we do not have the same concept of time as adults until we reach the age of seven.

Our children tend to imitate our behavior, including how we deal with our emotions. Therefore, it is crucial to lead by example and demonstrate to them appropriate ways of responding to their emotions. However, it is equally important to create a safe environment for them where they can experience firsthand how emotions are expressed and dealt with. The emphasis should not only be on teaching them but on providing a nurturing space for them to learn and grow emotionally.

John Gottman, who coined the term, said that a parent that considers themselves to be an emotion-coaching parent does the following:

1. Is aware of the child’s emotions
2. Views them as an opportunity to connect with the child through teaching or being close to them
3. They describe the childs emotion to the child. They might label the childs feelings or simply repeat the childs experience back to them
4. They empathize and validate the childs emotions
5. They support their child to figure out the solution to the problem.

Furthermore, Gottman moved on the describe four different parental reaction patterns to a child’s emotions. 

1. Disapproving. This reaction pattern is defined by the belief that the manifestation of negative emotions is a sign of weakness and a reason for shame. These parents often try to put a stop to the expression of negative emotions by employing tactics of punishing, shaming, ridiculing, blaming and/or isolating the child and condemning their feelings. Children raised with such reaction patterns often repress their emotions and have difficulty recognizing, expressing, and regulating them as adults.
2. Dismissing. The parents using this pattern of reaction are those who may feel uncomfortable with their own and their offspring’s emotions. Interestingly enough, it might not be evident in all negative emotions, but to some, for example, the parent might be appropriately responsive to feelings of sadness but not to feelings of anger. Usually, the parents in this scenario simply want the negative emotions to “go away”. While this might not come from a bad place, it leaves the child not heard, misunderstood, and confused. Some ways in which the dismissing reaction pattern might show is by asking the child generic questions about the issue, attempting to minimize the situation or distract it from it, lecturing the child, ignoring the child, or fixing the situation themselves.
3. Laissez-faire. In this reaction pattern, the parent accepts the emotions of the child. However, they might view them as an unavoidable bad event and might attempt to philosophize it, hunker it down, or even ignore the child while they are experiencing it. This will teach the child that they are alone in this process and that there is no use in replaying to the parent for help.
4. Emotion coaching. These parents are comfortable with their own emotions and do not view their child’s negative emotions as a threat. They can notice, listen, validate, and empathize with the child, while at the same time, they are able to teach them how to self-soothe, learn problem-solving skills, and if needed, place healthy boundaries on unwanted behaviors. 

As parents, it is crucial for us to observe how we react to our child’s expression of emotions. In addition, it is equally important for us to examine our own emotional responses and enhance our emotional regulation abilities. Our children look up to us to learn how to regulate their own emotions, hence, it is our responsibility to guide them through this process.